I think her and I seriously might move in together.
Its all Ive thought about for the past few days.

Well, I finally bought a handgun.

I find it funny that lately, all my younger buddies are alot more fun than my older ones.

So wes, you're either a real smooth talker, or a genuinely nice guy.

"It's a little bit of both to be honest"

All things aside, Jamie gave the best funderal service I've ever witnessed.

Sometimes I really hate that you can't buy alcohol after midnight.

It's hard to watch when loved ones are on their way out, and you know its inevitable.
But what I think sometimes is worse, is when you watch those closest not know how to deal with it.

Although, he seems to be understanding of it, and to have a sense of peace knowing the last real day they spent together was a great day. that alone is something to be proud of, and to sleep easy over.

The crown and sprite always gets me.
A little loose in all honesty.

Hell, it gets me through.
I understand how people feel as though they need it.
The last few days, I couldn't wait to get off work, or get home just so I could have one drink to take the edge off.

No matter how much I brush my teeth, I can't get this taste out of my mouth.

This routine I have going on, I have to stop.
Burning at both ends.
I've said my farewell's to all my former lovers, and stopped it all before it began.

Whats funny, is that it never happened, and she bought it. It makes you realize who you can have confidence in. A final test of sorts.

I've went out for drinks every night since my birthday, a cool mixed drink followed by a different beer each night just to take the edge off.

I haven't slept well in the last few days, I can't tell if its guilt or just having too much going on to find the time. I have a different demon, and lately, the regrets for what I've done over the last few years have gone away, and now its the lack of action that gets to me.

I'm happy though, this new group of friends and fiends that I've somehow managed to hit it off with, the change of pace, and the legit good time vibe in the air is what I need these holidays.

I'm buying a new jacket when I get paid tomorrow, maybe some new shoes. and I'm leaving town around Christmas.
I need a small trip alone somewhere.

I think Jen and I may have something this go-round. Brutal honesty with each other.
Not because we feel the need to come clean, but more so to learn to let go maybe. Life is about second chances, I feel its mutual.
It feels good. It's raw. It's passionate, and its light hearted. It feels real.
I can't tell if it will be short-lived again, but I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can for as long as I can.

I saw Courtney Gray for the first time in a few months saturday night, and realized that she really means nothing to me anymore. I'm not bitter, or angry, or plagued with some feeling of "what if" anymore. I'm happy for her, and wish her the best, and I feel that's mutual, as well as very sincere. It it what it is, and was what it was. I thought about it before I saw her, and the second I looked at her, nothing at all. She isn't beautiful to me anymore. I never thought that could happen. I never thought it would. It was the first time that we'd ever hugged like there wasn't something there.

It's because there isn't anymore.


Its the first breeze of closure with a female that I feel was mutual, and understanding. Closing that book.


The world is yours.
And fear is the only thing that's ever held me back.
It's time for my ambition to begin to exceed my talents again.

Lovers
to
Best Friends
to
Friends
to
Old Friends
to
Just someone you used to know, just some one that you used to know.

I just realized I haven't had a day I haven't atleast had 2 drinks since my birthday.

Holiday love.

I need a getaway.

I think, I may just say to hell with it, and work all next week, and just take the monday after the birthday weekend off, I might not even party that weekend, I may just get someone to go with me, and go to the ocean, or really, anywhere but here. I dunno, I might take the monday around the 13th.

Ya know, I realized, I don't know how the hell I can get everything to go in the direction I'm hoping for for the new year.

Or how I can literally afford to go back to school.

Panic Attack, which is soon to be calmed by the smoothness of some Jack Daniels.

I'm just really starting to wonder if I will ever really get out of this slump, or atleast find the balance I want.

I had a great night last night.

I always wondered what could have came of her and I. I never spoke of it outloud though. Never so much as mentioned her to many people, or how I really was drawn to her the way I am. Maybe that was why I'd always text her when I was in the area, just to see if I might get a glimpse. I really fell heel over head for her when we met. That smell of body spray and cigarettes. And random run-in with good conversation, me restringing her guitar, and catching up led to a night of listening to music, making out, and hints of something that might come about this time around. I've always found her to be more beautiful than most, still do. Biggest brown eyes I've ever been drawn in. I forgot how big they were. But I went in way too fast, and fell way too hard that first go.

Maybe, something might work out this time? Whether it be something serious, or something just light and fun, I don't care.

I'm just babbling at this point, probably my usual way of finding the romance in anything in life, from a sentimental moment with a nice lady, to a nice day, to the perfect song to capture how I'm feeling coming on randomly.

To be honest, I'm not getting my hopes up again, I'm going to take it for what it is, and enjoy it while its there. Sure, shes that kind of girl that I deep down would want to show off to all my friends, that I'd want to take places, or just spend all my free time with, shes that kind of girl. A hint of insanity laced with a persona that I've never really witnessed.

But I do know, I don't want to run her off again. Maybe its nostalgia. Ego?

I do know, I can't connect with anyone anymore, but I do with her, not sure what level it is, but I smiled more last night than I probably have in the last 6 months. To me atleast, it seemed completely natural and right, all over again, like nothing was forced. And thats a rare feeling that I've seldom experienced.

All I know, is loneliness sits at a bar you've set too high.

And I dont want to be sitting at that bar this winter.

This time around, I wont move too fast.

But damn, if there's ever been a place I didn't want to leave, it was there last night.

Such deja Vu

7 days.

I'm glad I can talk to my father sometimes.

http://ia331318.us.archive.org/2/items/dbt2006-10-28.akg463.flac16/dbt2006-10-28d2t09_64kb.mp3

I have less than one month left.
Things will either turn around completely.
Or I will drink myself to death.

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect.

So I went to kroger tonight, and spent like $50 on healthy groceries, and a pack of Turkish Golds.

It made me chuckle inside

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

I realized tonight something strange.

I really dont care about anyone in a romantic fashion these days.
I really dont.
I havent met anyone that does it for me like I expect
Fuck it.

I hate waking up and being out of cigarettes.

This whole diabetes thing is really starting to scare me.

Last night, I started getting blurred vision sitting at R. Thomas with Counts.
I mean, I know its one of those things that isnt a huge deal, and many people live with it, but, I dont know why it's really starting to worry me.

I realize.
I have a great woman in my life.
Why the fuck can't I let go of all my other bullshit and just let myself be happy with her.

Is it guilt, or grace.

Living with a ghost.

Sometimes you have to lie to a good friend just to give them hope.
I don't know if it gets better.
I know it becomes easier to deal with. It becomes easier to accept.
But as for that missing spot in your stomach.
That hole in your brain
That loss of motivation
That feeling of what next?
The loss of hope?

I dont know if it gets better.

I have my days.
I've been dealing these cards to myself for close to 2 years since she left.
I've been shuffling these hands, shivering til I shake completely.
Sickening myself with my lack of confidence. Lack of love.
Lack of anything I used to hold dear.

I realized I had a best friend.
We were perfect.

I traded it all in for selfish pride.
I lost it because I couldn't come out and say "Honey, I'm wrong, and this won't happen again. I think I'm losing it, and I'm doing my best to be better." I couldn't do that, because at that time, in my mind, I couldn't be wrong. In my mind, she'd bend as far as I needed. In my mind, she wouldn't break. She did. And for once, I couldn't attempt to pick up the pieces. She didn't need me to.

Thats what I've been dealing with lately.
Thats why I'm so ornry.
I've never gotten closure, I never will.
Watching the heartbreak of my cousin brings it all back.


I sometimes wonder if I'd handled it all differently that things would have worked out.
I wonder if maybe we struck up another friendship, if in any way we could be friends, if there would be another go at things. I'm sure we're both different people than we were. As close as we were, of all the little things we used to talk about late at night, how we named our kids, dreamed up our wedding, talked about our first house, the way we'd parent our kids, the life that her and I alone, fuck everyone else, as long as we had each other, planned. I remember on the cold nights, when we'd go outside to have a cigarette, how we'd run back in as fast as we could to jump in bed, and hold each other as tight as we could to warm up. How she used to lay on my back. All of that, just gone. It still breaks my heart just like it did the day I knew it was over. It breaks my heart to wonder if it ever crosses her mind.

It breaks my heart, because I don't comprehend how people can forget that.

I wish I could speak to her for maybe 20 minutes sometime, just to catch up, if nothing else, to see how an old friend is doing. If anything, to make sure everything is going the way she planned, and as well as she wanted when we were lovers, when I held her down.

All I really want to know sometimes, is if she even remembers any of the good times. If she even for one second every now and then, thinks about me. And wonders what could have been if maybe we took another chance on each other. I know if the opportunity ever came, I wouldn't screw it up, and I really think somedays, since she left, thats the only thing I do know.

I'd do anything in the world for a second chance, just for 20 minutes of how we were when things were good.

Its so pathetic, how I keep holding on, thinking that it might happen.



It doesn't get better, I still dream of it.
I still think of it.
It's a wonder I haven't blown my brains out these past years.

All because I'm not the man I ever thought I was.

I have too many dreams of being a hero.

I think sometimes, all I want it to feel wanted.
More than loved, more than a great friend, more than family.

I really want to feel like I complete someone again sometimes.

I'm too selfish for my own good.

I'm slowly but surely alienating myself from most of the people I know.

Are you asking for a booty call, Wessy?

"No, I meant like actually catch up and hang out, but if it leads to my penis in your vagina, then so be it."

Loneliness sits at a bar that you've set too high.

Sometimes I ask the same questions hoping for a different answer.

I know to you, it might sound strange.
But I wish it would rain.

Caribou Lou

What a night, thats all I can say.

Cariou Lou was the best and worst idea South and I have ever had.


I have way too much on my mind.
And sometimes wonder whats been coming over me as of late.
Some of the thoughts I have.
Some of the things I do.

As much of a grasp as I have on myself, and as much of a grasp as I have on my goals and doing what it takes to get there, I dont have any real control. And day by day, I feel like something is missing more and more, and like something is slipping away.

I don't remember much from last night.

This game of women I have in my life, I need to stop it. Truthfully, I do. I'm in no place in life to be with anyone at all. Im in no mindset to pretend to love, I know why I dont, I know who still is in the forefront of my mind. I know a lot of things, just not how to deal with it too well.

I guess its like, I see so many people making moves, and Im making moves as well, I just cant figure out if they are the right way, or right thing to do.

I guess I'm lonely, but not alone.

Im not really sure what to say to react, but her aim name was online.

She passed away over a year ago.

Niggas don't be mad cause its all about progression.


Loiterer's should be arrested.

Hide and Seek.

you walk down alameda shuffling your deck
of trick cards over everyone
like some precious only son
face down, bow to the champion
you walk down alameda looking at the
cracks in the sidewalk
thinking about your friends
how you maintain all them in a constant state of suspense
for your own protection over their affection
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
walk down alameda brushing off the nightmare you wish
could plague me when i'm awake
and now you see your first mistake was thinking that you could relate
for one or two minutes she liked you
but the fix is in
you're all pretension
i never pay attention
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
if you're alone it must be you that wants to be apart

I keep daydreaming of a time when I can run away for good.

I figure in a year or so, if I still in the back of my mind feel like I do, maybe I can just have enough money to pick up, find a new job in a new town, and see if I can make some magic happen.

georgia moonshine.

I'm really beginning to have second thoughts about moving out in the next month.

Its about that time of year.

This made me chuckle.

"So how are you?"
-"I'm good. I dropped the zero, talking to who I hope to be a hero"
"Are you drunk hun?"
-"Not at all, doll."

Somethings never change, ha.

Sunday beer, and darkness singalongs.



I start some things in my life that I'll never finish

And I start others with no intention of doing so.

I really want to care sometimes.
And then I think I don't have it in me.

Bumpin Blueprint III.

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm loosing my grip again, like I'm walking on eggshells, but then I remember why I started getting my shit together.

Then I think about what it is I want and need.
I take the two.

I want my own place, because I need my own feeling of independence and earning my own keep.
I want love in my life, pure true love, because I realize I need something stable and healthy, that I need something more than a best friend, and that I need to feel more important to someone that is most important to me. Really, I don't like being alone, I drive myself crazy by myself sometimes. I suppose the simplest thing, is that I have a large bed, and its nice to look over and see someone who feels like a better half there.
Fuck the sex, fuck the one night stands, fuck the fake.

Then I remember that things are starting to fall into place, and when it comes down to it, I'm the maker of my own destiny, I'm the maker of my own life, and I'm really the only one in control of what I do.

When it comes down to it, I'm the only person looking in the mirror in the morning.
The way I see it.
Think before I act, and do what feels right, atleast that way when I'm wrong, I can't beat myself up for haste.


One step at a time, Wes.

I woke up a little while ago, and said to myself "Wait a minute, I didn't go to bed by myself." She left her earrings and bobby pins, which I think was just an excuse for us to have to see each other later in the day.

But my bed smells like her, and shes all thats on my mind. I love it. Love it. Love it. She calls me just to talk sometimes, and I answer just to listen to her.
Shes beautiful, and kisses like she means it everytime.

It amazes me the turnaround in things over the past month or two. But I really pray it stays this way.

It seems like things are coming full circle.

The 211 is riding again.
An amazing lady in my life.
I have a job I enjoy everyday.

A rare breed

"Ya know Wes, I need you. I've tried to convince myself that I didn't for the last 8 months, but I do."

"We're a strange breed cousin, and truthfully we don't work as well without the other in a pack"


I suppose that when it comes down to it, my cousin and I are a strange breed, and through the crazy times and whatever personal bullshit we've been through, neither one of us can be the only zebra in a pack of horses.

Too weird to live, too rare to die.

Good lord shes beautiful.
And so damn sexy without even meaning to.

I seriously like everything about her.
Every little thing.

I've never enjoyed just laying in bed and watching Oceans 11 like I do with her.

Its funny, she reminds me of my dad in a way, atleast, that she bought 6 of the big 6-pack bottles of Mtn Dew last night, and all I could say was "And you get onto me for smoking?!"

I dunno what it is, I like the openness, and the honesty.

I hope to God I dont fuck this one up, and that something really comes of it.
I have nothing but the most noble of intentions.

Its the happiest Ive been with a woman since Kellye.
And honestly, this surpasses that.

I dunno, maybe open mind equals open heart, and maybe that as long as you stay positive, good things come around.

I've been on a good run of luck lately.
Good job
Good woman
Good friends.

Make choices.
Don't look back.

Think before you act, and you can never have a true regret, just a learning experience.


We're no fools, we just have a bigger soft spot for those we love compared to most, thats our biggest weakness aside from our tempers.

This new thing.
I like it.
Her.
Alot.

I hang on every word she says.
And I hate to say it, but usually, I can give a shit less what a girl I'm kicking it with says for the most part.
And do everything in my power to keep her entertained and smiling.

Im not sure what it is, but she interests me like no other girl I've met in a long time has.
I find myself just wanting to be around her, for no reason other than just that she puts me at ease maybe? Maybe I find her to be genuine, and I hardly know her. Maybe its that Im completely intrigued and vulnerable with her, and that I try to be the best I can.

this is too strange.

But I find her to be beautiful, and interesting.

Those two things are hard to come by in one woman.

I enjoy spending time with my Dad.

We went to the guitar shop today, got some dinner, and just drove around for a bit, it's nice when its just Dad and I having some time to catch up and chat about random shit.

I asked him today what he thought about me moving out and whatnot, and I asked him "Dad, did you ever have one girl you knew before mom that you really think you would have been happier ending up with?"

"Yeah"

"What happened?"

"I just wasn't ready to settle down then.."

"Well, what fucked it up, you, or her?"

"Me"

"Why?"

"I couldnt have just one."

I'm not sure why, but that was probably one of the most comforting conversations he and I have ever had.

I'm feeling good.

What did my day consist of?

Work, and sharing perfect weather with pretty ladies.

Angel left wing, right wing broken wing.

Sometimes, I wish I didnt have the quiet times at night, where I think too much.

Things would be alot smoother.
Simpler.
Happier.

But, I'm on a good streak, so, I gotta keep on keepin' on, and keep my head up.

Oh

I can feel it.
Starting to burn at both ends again.
But I really do enjoy this new job.

All I can say, is sometimes, maybe you have to burn at both ends constantly to be successful, and I'm starting to think I can't be comfortable anymore to get what I want and where I want to be.

MGMT

Fun day at work.
I feel like I'm starting to get it. Atleast, learning the computer shit fast and where everything is, and trying to work with better speed and whatnot.

I just gotta keep trying to get it down over this week, I just want to be more comfortable as I do things there as to not feel like a fish out of water.

I talked to her a bit today. I somewhat doubt anything would really happen, but I really want to get to know her, without being completely inebriated. I didnt realize that Phaladone and her kind of had a thing back in the day/now, so, I don't want to jump in that mix, but her friend that was pretty cool likes whiteboys apparently, haha. I dunno, maybe it was a thunderbolt, maybe I was drunk, who knows.

I dunno, I'm trying to make it a point to not be as scared and nervous in crowds, and maybe get back to feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

Leaving it up to chance, really, and I guess just trying to somewhat put myself out there, and taking what happens with a grain of salt.

As much as I hate to quote this movie.

But I'm coming to realize.
Life's simple. You make choices, and you don't look back.
I've got to stop staring at the world in my rearview.

I'm just hoping the real feeling of self-worth will begin to come with the way I prioritize things.
Just getting money put back, hopefully the house deal will work out by Christmas, and school by New Years.

I just really feel like things are falling into place in a way.

What makes me laugh, is that this is the first time in my life I've made it a point to wake up in the morning, and be on time.

So

So I had my first 2 days of work. So far, I really enjoy it, I'm not sure if its cause of the new of it, or what, but I do like it alot, as well as the people I work with so far. Got a good 15 hours in between those two days, found out I'm gonna have a nice 8-5 schedule, possible overtime some weeks I hope. In 90 days I can get health insurance, which I'm really excited for.

Partied last night. Hard, didnt plan to even, but I showed up and 3 minutes in, we're drinking rum strait out of the bottle, and Michael starts pouring it up like its going outta style. I'm not sure what all I drank, but I know I had a bottle of wine, like, the big bottle of Sutter Home, ha.

Good Lord, I've never been so drunk. We got crunk as fuck, I danced, played guitar, we all got on some philosophical shit with each other, and apparently I passed out on a pool table, lol, which could explain my my shoulders hurt this morning.

I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, we talked for a bit, but I was so drunk all I could do was tell her as honest as I could be, how beautiful I thought she was. I mean really, she was like a mix od Lucy Lu and like, I don't know, but from the second I got there, all I kept thinking was just how gorgeous she was.

But, we swapped numbers and whatnot, no idea if we'd end up hanging out some more or anything, but, I want to get to know her. I dunno, I know she wasn't nearly as drunk as I was, and we seemed to get along well, we layed outside and looked at the stars together, I still babbled about how stunned by her I was, and that whatever she wanted, I'd do.

Ya know how in The Godfather when Michael Corleone meets Apollonia, and he stops dead in his tracks? His bodyguards say that he's just been hit by a thunderbolt.

That was me last night.


I really don't think I could have sent the summer off in a better way.

I started the new job.
I like the people, alot.


But what I realize, is that maybe this is me finally beginning to pick up the pieces the right way.

They tell you your supposed to do something everyday that scares you.
I did today.
I showed up.

Maybe this is step one for me.

I can't wait for that first paycheck. Sucks that I wont get it for two weeks, but, I'm hoping I can have alot of my shit paid off by Oct 1st.

I dunno, I'm just trying to take the necessary steps to get the ball rolling to what I want to be doing a year from now.

I'm not making crazy money, but it would be enough to get by with a roomate if needed, it would be enough to take care of myself, which is where I want to be first and foremost.

I also was told that Rick Case offers tuition reimbursement depending on what I go to school for, which is awesome. Sucks because what I'd want to do in medical I don't think they'd pay for, but, I need to look into it. If worse came to worse, I might just get hired at Publix again 10 hrs a week to get their reimbursement.

It will also be nice to have health insurance again in 90 days.

I feel like they all kinda like me though, or that they have high hopes for me. That they have faith in my abilities and that I can do a good job for them. I'm hourly for now, but apparently once I get out of being trained and doing more gruntwork, and get to awesome status on the ADP system, I may be salary + commission, just depends on what my base salary is if I'd want to switch for that.

I'm just making it a point to be early, to try to learn as much as I can, and to ask as many questions and double check everything. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get more hands on stuff. But regardless, I'm trying to work as much as I can for this first pay periost trd just to have that first check be as fat as possible, I just have to be tight on cash until then, and once I'm debt free, I'll be happy, maybe start building my S13 again, or maybe pick up a new car to do the way I want.

Just trying to stay as optimistic as I can, and to not get ahead of myself.

I want to get out of my house, but I know the smartest thing I can do for now is just to save some money until the end of the year, once all my debts are paid, I can make that decision.

I wish sometimes I could meet someone I click with.

I saw Funny People tonight

But its like Steph said.

I wont be happy with anyone else until I figure out how to be happy with myself.

When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.


I've felt like I'm starting from scratch alot lately.
As in, Its hard for me to focus my energy into anything without obsessing over it.
I over analyze, question how I'll make it happen, how I'll make it work, how I'll get through.


My biggest downfall is my fear when it comes down to it.
Love is nothing, scared of success.

The reason I listen to so much music isnt that I'm a musician.
Its because something I feel like my bedroom or the inside of one of my many cars is the only sanctuary I have.
The reason I drive so much is I'm scared to hop out of my comfort zone sometimes.
Im developing agoraphobia, I honestly think that.
I'm developing a fear of everything that I used to be.
I'm not sure what happened, but some days I really feel like a fish out of water.
I shake, I feel dizzy.

Ya know how your heart flutters when you hear the name of someone you never got over? Or how your stomach feels like it collapses when you remember something you'd rather forget?

Thats been happening to me on a daily basis as of late.

Not the panic attacks that I used to get. Its more of an uncontrollable anger, that I just have to sit still for a moment and collect myself before I destroy anything, its like I have to talk to myself just to get anywhere. I can't take silence. And I can't stand alot of noise. I've began to sleep better alone, whatever that means.

Apathy is the glove into which the Devil slips his hand, and Idle hands do the Devil's work. Sometimes I feel like I'm two for two on that one, or hell, that I care way too much.

I need to see a doctor in all honesty, sometimes I worry about my health, I have strange aches occasionally, I feel like I don't have the dexterity I used to. I keep fearing I have cancer or leukemia sometimes. I know something isnt right with me, I know its not, whether its all in my mind or there could be something killing me.

I'm scared shitless to go though, honestly I don't want to know if I have a timecard on my head.

I talk to John about these things sometimes, just because hes the only person I feel like I can relate this fear I have to. Then it reminds me I'm pretty sure I'll bury my brother before he gets to bury me. Kind of how I worry about my Dad being in a wheelchair in a few years.

I wonder sometimes if I'd just get some Adderall or some Zoloft if everything would be better. I tried this over a year ago, no medication knowing damned well I needed it just so I could feel better about myself for handling something in my mind on my own, what a fucking fool I was, as I feel like things have been getting worse.

I just keep praying I make it to 21 in one piece. Maybe that will open the doors I'm looking for.
Or it will be my racetrack to hell.

Speaking of, I need to get Lucy operable, start entering some of the SEDA events, maybe a new hobby like that would make me feel better.


All I want is a fucking purpose. A purpose that gets me out of bed in the morning. I don't feel like that's alot to ask for, and truthfully I don't feel like I ask for much out of most people.



Make me feel alive again.


Really though, I think I'd be content with being someone elses reason they feel alive, or someone elses reason that they wake up in the morning.
I miss having the credit of being everything to someone that I cared about as well.

I think maybe, I'm just missing some validation, or a real pat on the back, as childish as it sounds.

I dread the Cold.

Some mornings I wake up, and I really wonder what keeps me here in Ga.
As in, if I got offered a job somewhere else why I would be hesitant to take it.
Really, some mornings I wake up and wonder why the fuck I didnt blow my head off the night before.


I think Im too hard on myself sometimes.
And that I really have a problem with never being satisfied.

I need meds.


I need to meet a new woman
That I know nothing about
That I might actually care about.
And that might actually care about me.

I wish I could figure out whats missing in my life.

Heh

I'm curious sometimes why I still have such a soft spot for Kelly.

Ice cream paint job

It's nice when you see old friends.

I haven't seen Kacey in over 4 years, maybe spoke to her 6 or 7 times in that timeframe. And randomly, we got dinner tonight at 1am, ha.

It was nice to catch up, I realized she hasn't seen me since I had my old S14. And how she wouldnt let me drive to get food since the last time we were in a car together, I was flying down some backroad with no headlights on and scared the shit out of her.

But it was nice, really nice, just to catch up, and reminisce about random shit from way back when. We joked about everyone we haven't seen in years, and those we have, how we both are crazy, and how we're both each others backup marriages/planned affairs when our first marriages end up sucking.

Its funny, I think shes probably the first girl I really remember having a crush on in elementary school, and she always reminds me, ha. Really, the more I think about it, she was my first real best friend that was a girl when we were kids.

I dunno, I think what tripped me out, was that there was no awkwardness whatsoever tonight, just big hugs and smiles and lots of shit talking and catching up, it was damned near like we'd never not hung out. It's funny how we all change since childhood, but how it comes as no surprise the things that we've all done.

I needed that.

This is probably my favorite picture I've ever been a part of.

I really wish I could figure out where all this anger keeps coming from.

Smooth Criminal

If there's one thing I've realized about this fine group of people, is that things will never be what they were. Ever.

We've all came too far, went too far, changed, grown, whatever you want to call it.

Theres a strong distaste toward some, and its to a point where its hard to even be civil anymore.

It saddens me, years ago, there never was this problem, we could pour another round, and be merry.

I'm glad though that my two best friends still are just that.

I'm glad of the distance with Courtney. I like leaving a bad taste in her mouth everytime we see each other. Maybe one day this game we play will end, check and mate. It needs to. Fuck her sake, for my sake. Shes fucked without me, and she knows it. She can pretend she has shit going on, and you can tell in her tone of voice how full of shit she is. I'm just glad I don't front, atleast in that department. She keeps me close to feel wanted, just cause shes knows I don't judge her, and I care no matter what. No one else will do that for her, atleast and mean it.

I'm glad of the distance with Kelly. You can't count on her. I love that girl, and theres always going to be unfinished business between her and I, whether she admits it or not. She looks at me that way. Hell, I look at her that way. Probably why we don't see each other that often. She cant front with me, and we put each other in our place. No matter how passive she is, we still do that. Thats how I know, thats how everyone knows. Besides, I want a woman that will actually do something with herself. Kelly won't, atleast until it all comes crashing down. Another Carolina drama. We all know that. But who am I to judge, I never attempt to make a change until the last minute.

It almost makes me happy to see that distance, and to see what true colors we all have, myself included.

I've become alot more introverted than I used to be, atleast I feel that way, and sometimes my distaste for myself seems to come out of my pores, to the point where everyone around me can sense it. I know they do.

But thats alright. Atleast I'm not lying to myself, or pretending what I do is glamourous, or pretending that everything's alright. Hell, atleast I don't have to lie about my occupation to potentially find love. Atleast I don't carry that shame, and try to justify it with money.

But one thing I've realized, is that everyone has a price. Everyone.

I just haven't been able to have been bought yet.

And to be honest, I'd rather people see every side of me that they can within the first 20 minutes of knowing me rather than seeing just a bit of it, and being shocked when it all comes out.

Too many shades of grey. Too many shades of black.

I've realized that happiness isnt based on what you do. Its not based on who you are. And its damned sure not based on the women in your life. I've had two women in my life I feel that I really love, and one's been my best friend for years. So with that being said, I'm happy with my female companionship, becuase I have a best friend, whos closer to me than most family members I have that I adore and can trust, and thats where it ends. Not many can say that.

So when it comes to romance, I'll say fuck it, and stay to being myself.
I always know when I meet a potential Ms. Right. I know within 20 minutes.
I'm a scary judge of character.

A haggard swagger having, fast driving, ADD, manic depressive roughneck realizing that shit will work itsself out the way its meant to, and I can't change whats meant to happen.

I doubt I'm ever going to meet one woman that really fulfills me. Yeah, I said it. I have too many sides to me to have them all satisfied. Maybe thats why I used to play the games I did. I cared about all of the women in one way or another, the manic side loved Courtney because she is crazier than me, and made me feel better about myself. Puppy love wanted Kelly, just because she used to be what my ideal woman was. The future wanted Kellye, she gave me hope that one day I might really feel normal and satisfied, but as I tend to always do, I have to destroy something beautiful. I always do. When it comes down to it. Thats my only real regret. It was the first time I saw genuine heartbreak in someone. It was the first time I felt genuine heartbreak, and the after effects of it. Shes was the first burn I ever had. And the first thing I was ever certain of. I singlehandedly ruined it. And I will always take all the blame for that, knowing it wasn't really all me. One day, I hope she realized I never meant to do the things I did, and never intended to hurt her. I was younger, I was dumber. I was heartless. She never deserved that. Hell, I never deserved a girl like that. I sometimes hope one day, we'll make it happen again, secretly, I think about it everynow and then, you never know if it was meant to be or not. I still dream about the next time I ever see her or talk to her. It scares me, and its the most vulnerable I feel sometimes thinking about it. I dont know if I could even look her in the eye. Sometimes, I think the chance encounter we had that started our relationship was that sign, sometimes, I don't think it meant a thing. Maybe one day. Maybe one. I just know in my mind, its impossible to forget everything, its impossible to not care.

Even if I had my dream house, car, friends, and money, I'd blow the motor in the car, burn the house to the ground, run away from all my friends, and blow every dime.

I suppose its based on being comfortable in your own skin. I don't mean physically, I mean knowing who the fuck you are, and being confident in your abilities. I suppose its based on knowing that the main company you keep has your back when you need it. And they're let you hang yourself when you need that too. Everyone needs a good ass-kicking.


I'll run myself into the ground before I get my head in the clouds. And I can sleep easy with that feeling.

I've started burning myself at both ends again. Its what I need to do. Less sleep. More work, more stress. Its what I thrive off of. Some thrive off drama, some thrive off romance, others thrive off the occasional chaos and lack of routine.

But at the end of the day, no matter how the fuck I feel, or what I dream about at night.

I pride myself on this.
I can admit to myself or anyone that I'm miserable, and that I can be man enough to not put on a fucking front and pretend I'm going somewhere at the moment, knowing damned well I'm not.

Heh, sometimes I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.




Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

The things I'd do for a normal nights rest.
to not dream about the past.

To not have random dreams of another.
Sometimes I feel like there's a strange unspoken chemistry.
I think I just make things out to be more than they are.


But regardless, I am miserable lately.
But I have my cars, my cigarettes, and my music.

That should be enough.
Nothing's enough.

I'm beginnin to realize just how good I am at faking it.


I'd be a liar if I said I don't look at old pictures sometimes, and miss her.

I feel like a horrid friend somedays.

I havent had any work in a week or two.

And despite what others say, Misery does not love company. I'd rather be alone.

I went to be at 3am, woke up at 7:15 this morning. I woke up in a cold sweat, its amazing how I still dream about past loves and old cars. Its amazing how it makes me sick that I do. I took a shower, and went back to bed, only to sleep all day.

I dont like this.

Sometimes you gotta follow whats felt inside,
Between the power struggles and selfish pride
No one is allowed to cry unfair
Cuz now they both get to drink alone somewhere

You can be winner you can be a loser
Gotta wake up when you here the rooster
Sometimes its just too simple to live your life wrong
Gotta do right for you when the time come

And I still can't decide on the color of her eyes.
And I default on you.
I default on you.
I default.
On
You.

Legendary like a schoolboy crush.
I laugh somedays to be honest. Atleast, I laugh at myself for some of the things that go through my mind.

Ideally I'd meet someone new, 300 miles away.
New beginning.

New record for a consistent workday.

Noon til 4am!

I'm glad shes my best friend.

Get in the Ring

I realize some nights.
Or some days, somewhere in between
The things we say and do
And do not mean
And her and I share
This same old dance and song
This same old right and wrong
Tell me where has the time gone

But we keep singin
And wrapping ourselves up tight
And we keep dreaming
For days when everythings alright
And we keep lying, just to stay awake
Cause the less we give than take
The more we bend to break



It's funny

I think its been almost 4 years to the day (give or take a couple of days) that her and I met.

Ya know, fuck this melodramatic poetic viewpoint.

I don't know what the fuck I'm babbling about anymore.
I have an awesome girl that genuinely loves me.

I have a decent job and I make good money.

I have friends, I have aquaintances


I am exhausted, in every way.


When you love 3 women, its hard keeping up with lies.
Springs my first love, started creepin' with July.

12:29amStephanie

i think he'd kind of crazy to be honest

he frightens me some

i think he'll kill someone else before committing suicide

12:30amWes

Exactly!

Haha, does he really scare you /

12:30amStephanie

yes

that one time

i was in his car

and we were driving

and i was trying to have a real conversation with him

this lookin his eyes

was like

"I"m gonna rape you real good."

12:31amWes

LOL!!!

Steph, I love you lots, that comment just made my world.

12:31amStephanie

lol

im so for real

it was scay

scary*

lol

i couldnt wait to get out of the car

I'm drinkin' some George Jones,
and a little bit of Coe
Haggard's easin' my misery
and Waylon's keepin' me from home
Hank's givin' me those high times -
Cash is gonna sing it low
I'm here gettin' wasted -
here with my country heroes

I'm drinkin' that whiskey
out of that glass
and if that ain't country,
boy, you can kiss my ass
I wanna hear them old songs -
nothin' of the new
'cause this might be the last time
I'm gonna see you

What it do like?

Once this Prelude is done, and I get a new ignition switch in the GSR.

I'm putting my hatch back together.

I looked at it the other day, and realized I have a potentially fun fucking car just sitting in my yard wasting away.

All I really need to make it run and drive at the moment are fluids, and rear S14 SE rotors.



I think I'm gonna try and go to Charlotte on the 14th. It might potentially be the last NIN show, and honestly, as long as I've been a fan of theirs, I'd hate to say I didnt see them on what might be thier last tour because I hate outside venues.

I sent off a school app or two.
I think I'm just gonna do something in computers, Cisco or something. Or I'll just bite the bullet, take the semester I need of core classes, and do what I really wanna do, something in medical.

Hopefully I'll get started in the fall, and can rock and roll and get back on track.
I'm almost tempted to just say fuck moving out, and take out a good sized student loan, cut my hours at work, and just really dedicate myself to school, and take as many hours as I can each semester, and play catchup so I get done in a reasonable timeframe.

I've just realized working in a shop all day everyday doesnt make me happy like it used to, and really, I can't really go anywhere doing what I do. I want something with potential, good salary, and really just a job that I help people everyday, or atleast feel genuinely appreciated on a daily basis. Sounds corny, but its what I want.

Really, if I could make 50 or 60k a year, in my mind, I'd have it made, ha.

Regardless I guess, I'd just like to have a more professional career I guess, or just a real career, and not a job. And really, I'm tired of being dirty as fuck everyday when I get off.

I'm good with cars, I'll give myself that, I'm good with car audio, delivery, pickup, customers, and all the random shit that entails, but its not what I want to do all my life, atleast not as my primary income.

I'll be 21 in 6 months, I need to be on a path to somewhere by then, period.

The fuck.

She say that she still wants a friendship
She can't live her life without me as a friend
I can't figure out why I give a damn to what she wants
I don't understand the now before the then
Most of this garbage I write that these people seem to like
Is about you and how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you, I doubt that they would see it
They'd wonder what I showed you how you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistent
If I stay around I'm bound to break resistance
Fuck you Lucy for defining my existence
Fuck you and your differences

Ever since I was a young lad with a part-time dad
It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had
I studied my mother, I digested her pain
And vowed no women on my path would have to walk the same
Travel like sound across the fate ladder
I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
And I travel with feels so I can deal with touch
It's like that, thank you very much, fuck you very much!

[Chorus]
(Yes, yes it is)
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
(Yes, yes it is)
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

[Slug]
Fuck the "what happened?", I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck, used to hold her hand
Fell behind then played the role of a slower man
I want to stand on top of this mountain and yell
I want to wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the she twist me up
The last starfighter is wounded, time to give it up
On a pick it up mission, kept it bitter
Gettin' in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keepin' emotions controlled
Cookies for the road, took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama, hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further, the hurt feels like murder
Interpret the eyes, read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake, how much time did I waste?
Fuck you Lucy for leaving me
Fuck you Lucy for not needing me
I wanna say fuck you because I still love you
No, I'm not okay, and I don't know what to do

[Chorus]
(Yes, yes it is)
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
(Yes, yes it is)
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

[Slug]
Do I sound mad? Well I guess I'm a little pissed
Every action has a point, five points make a fist
You close 'em, you swing 'em, it's hurts when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch, but if the boot fits
I got an idea: You should get a tattoo that says "Warning"
That's all, just a warning, so the potential victim can take a left and save breath,
And avoid you, sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream, "Fuck you Lucy!"
But the problem is I love you Lucy
So instead I'ma finish my drink and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover

What I learned out on the road

Courtney claims she broke up with her "boyfriend" for me.
We talked a bit last night. She asked me not to talk for a sec so she could tell me that shes realizes shes really taken advantage of my caring over the past few years, and how shes taken me for granted, how she wants something real, and is scared shitless of my answer. I told her that if theres one thing Im not, its that Im not chickenshit to the point where I have to have an important conversation over the phone.


What dawned on me though, and I suppose that it really hit me harder than just about anything I've ever realized.

I've lost my ability to really love, or to really care about someone in a romantic fashion since Kellye and I broke up. I never realized it until last night. But, since she left, I almost feel like I lost a large part of myself, and part of that was my ability to really give my love or my all. Ive been having dreams about her over the past month or two, nothing seriouos, but I kept trying to figure out what they mean, but I realized, what they mean is "Wes, you had something special you took for granted, and now, you'll never have that sensation again."

It's Counts birthday tomorrow, hopefully it'll be some fun around midnight.

Cinco. Woozy.

I had a fun Cinco De Mayo.
As in, I spent time with two of the most important women I've ever had in my life.

What I came to realize is just how much Steph and Kelly mean to me. I want to hate Kelly, but every time I see her, I say the same "Wow. I miss her." or "She looks great" And I've come to realize just how much I enjoy Steph's company the older I get. I've always looked at her as one of my best friends, but I dunno, I like that her and I can joke alot and are somewhat on the same page on certain things. Atleast, now I know shes just as evil as I ever have been, ha. It makes me happy that her and I have been friends for as long as we have. And to me, its a great thing, as I don't have alot of super close long time friends these days. But I suppose lately, what makes her friendship more important to me, is the blatant honesty it seems like we've had with each other lately. As in, theres no real sugarcoating, theres no bullshitting, its just honest, and I like to think that neither get offended.

Whats funny to me, is that anytime I see Kelly she always looks great. Sometimes, I wonder if she really just upkeeps herself that way, or if maybe sometimes she tries to look good when I'm around. Im pretty sure I'm just reaching on the latter, ha.

She conned me into staying. But if it put a smile on her face, then I'm glad I did.

What really has been on my mind the past couple of days, was the "I want to fuck him. I want to be friends with him, I really do, but anytime I'm in the car with him I try to listen, but I just want to kiss him"


I wonder if that was just a drunken comment, or if it was serious. Or, if it was serious, how long has she felt that way. Was it just that night? Was it in general for a while? Because I can lie as much as I want to, I feel the same fucking way with her sometimes.

What also dawned on me that night, was that Kelly always has some special way to put how I feel into perspective, whether she means to or not. She always says I'm like Pacey from Dawsons Creek, and I wonder if shes the female version of me to that.

But what dawned on me, and I'm wondering if I'm trying to be too poetic here, is this.

Well, a few things.

Shes the first girl I ever fell in love with. And I still care about her lots. I try not to, but anytime I see her it usually re-affirms how much I really do car, especially when I know she wanted to see me.

I don't think about her everyday, but sometimes, I just have these funny daydreams about her. Thats one of those things I don't tell too many people. I'd marry her. No doubt. Hell, shes the first girl that ever passed the door test. One of the first girls that I'd ever really made cry and felt horrible about. Shes the first chick that really got me jealous.

And what else hit me, was that sometimes I think I cared for Courtney so much, because Courtney was the next best thing to Kel, I mean really. Look at it.

And what also bugged me, was how long it had been since I'd seen Kelly, as in, really actually talked and chatted and hugged and just been friendly and talked a little shit and this that and the other, and just how much I enjoy it, the good times with her.

I know she was drunk, but I hope there was some truth in her wanting to actually hang out more often now that shes single.

It's funny though, as its not that I'm having the "Shes single, I should swoop in" thought process, its the. "I like seeing that girl happy and in her sassy-smartass shoes, and I'd like to try and make her happy" thought process, or to just spend some legit time with her. I'm not the take advantage of vulnerability kind of guy. I'm not a rebound guy. I always feel really out of place just trying to get dinner with her when she has a significant other. Hell, I feel out of place just wanting to catch up. I enjoy our talks, and how her and I both have the "do as I say not as I do" ideas on life.





Got you feelin woozy baby (baby)
And thats hows it gonna be when I take you from the club to the crib
on dubs and I get you in the bed with meeee (in the bed with me)
your so pretty, and so sweaty and so sexy and so ready
girl I'm surprised you this nastyyy
but its cool cuz I always wanted to go down on a girl that reminds me of me
so get upstairs, get yo clothes off and get them sexy legs legs in a 'V' (yup)
your vision blurry as if you were seeing two of me (two of me)
you so fine I'm so sad that you feelin so wooooozy

There's a beauty in simplicity.

I wish I could decide what I love more.
Chaos or grace.

Lacey and I polished off a bottle of 100proof SoCo last night. I've never woken up with a worse hangover in my life, or felt more like shit throughout my day.

But it was fun, spent most of the day banging out car audio at work. And I finally got my feedback out of my system in the integra.

Cougars

I had a fun monday at work
Hectic, but I got to ride a nice Honda ATV around the back roads today.

I had a nice lady customer try and hook me up with her niece

What made it funny though, is that I find Karen, (a woman in her mid 30's whos sweet as can be, and just plain out funny) to be extremely attractive. Shes one of those women that you know say, 15 years ago, was down right beautiful, but still is very attractive these days. Nice figure, amazing eyes, and shes just funny and kinda scatterbrained, but its cute as can be. Shes one of those types that if I was her age, and she was single, I'd work every bit of my charm I have on her. Seriously.

She asked me if I was dating anyone, I said something like that, and she asked me "Would you like to meet my niece? Shes about 5'8, slim, red hair, gorgeous, spoiled, but she really likes guys that work hard, and you are just a really nice guy, she loves curly hair and your so cute, she would love you"

And I almost slipped up and said "Well Karen, if shes half as easy on the eyes as you, I'd love to meet her"

But, I didnt want to sound like a creeper.
I think I've developed a school boy crush in a way, heh.

But I will say, if that woman divorced, I would try my ass off to take her out atleast once.

Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down.


"When you love 3 women, its hard keepin up with lies."

She said something out of the blue to me saturday night.
Not sure if it was just a metaphor, or something more.
But its been on my mind the last few weeks.

Everytime I look at Courtney, I feel like I waste my time more and more, or care less and less. And that maybe I just still pursue her not because I even want her, but more that Ive never had her, that I need a simple yes from her, so I can get it out of my system.
I've realized, Im not content nor happy with a friendship, and shes completely right. We'd never work. Im starting to realize that. And for the first time with any chick Ive ever cared for, I'm ok with that.

Randi is way too good to me. She really puts an effort for me to be hers. Goes out of her way, comes to me, anything to put a smile on my face. Big hearts break easy.
It worries me though, just the things that go through my mind.

I know what the right thing to do is.
I cant decide if it is what I should do.
Or if I am wrong all in all.

I suppose, as honest as I can be. All I'm doing is chasing the feeling of a long gone first love.
And that feeling will never happen again as it did before. And I can accept that.

So I work hard, I work all day, and continue to have a daylong battle with myself about what I beleive is true, and what is bullshit. I try and spend time with those that matter, forget those that don't, and progress forward.

Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.

She
Frustrates
Me.


Oh, my beautiful liar.
Oh, my precious whore.
My disease, my infection.
I am so impure.

.

Sometimes, I feel like I run out of things to say.

I've been super busy at work so far this week.
As in, nonstop banging out car after car, over and over.
I hope my check ends up being fatty fat come monday.
I've just been making it a point to be as productive as possible this week.
Got bills to pay, ha. And shit I want.

I dunno, I hope to have a couple of weeks like this. And Im counting on the money rolling in.
Come June, I'll put in a hellaovertime week, and take a week off.

I think I somewhat found a song that describes how I feel about her.

She said that she still wants a friendship
She cant live her life without me as a friend
I cant figure out why I'd give a damn to what she wants
I dont understand the now before the then

Most of this garbage I write
That these people seem to like
Is about you
And how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you
I doubt that they would see it
They'd wonder what i showed you
How you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistant
If I stay around, im bound to break resistance
Fuck you lucy for defining my existance
Fuck you and your differences

Ever since I was a young lad
With a part time dad
It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had
I studied my mother
I digested her pain
And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same
Travel like sound across the fate ladder
I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch
Its like that
Thank you very much
Fuck you very much

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Fuck the what happend
I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck
Used to hold her hand
Fell behind and played the role of a slower man
I wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
I wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the sheet twist me up
The last star fighter is wounded time to give it up
On a pick it up mission
Kept it bitter
Getting in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
Cookies for the road
Took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama
Hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further
The hurt feels like murder
Interperate
The eyes
Read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake
How much time did i waste?
Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess im a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close em
You swing em
It hurst when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tatoo that says warning
Thats all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover
(Fuck you)

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Leave never would you, you show could I if.....

Cold

I think I have the flu or something.

I love Everlast.

Wow. And it hit me.

I just had the worst realization I think I ever have.


I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life.
And I'm scared shitless of going back to school.
I mean literally, scared shitless, just the thought of affording it, and making myself go, and getting my shit together, and working on a long term goal is making me physically sick. It's like the physical sickness of getting your heartbroken, where you feel like you can't breath, and the "What do I fucking do now" feeling.

I am scared out of my fucking mind.

I can't keep working like I do.
I can't keep this cycle going, because I'm starting to realize that the more I keep doing the same thing the less likely I am to ever move forward.

I usually don't let my fears really hold me back.

But I am scared shitless.

Maybe I'm just disapointed that I didnt start college right after I graduated, or that I didnt go to some huge school and live on campus and whatnot. Maybe I'm disapointed that I feel like I
'm stuck in some fucking rut that I cant get myself out of.

Or maybe its just the stress of money right now, and how everything at home is.

But the more I think about it.

I used to not plan on living past my mid 20's. And now, I'm realizing I probably will, or somewhat want to. But I never really planned ahead at all in my life. I always planned on going out with a bang young. Atleast, I always hoped for that fate.

I'm just scared, I'm going to keep getting older and watch all of my friends do bigger and better things, and me still be doing the same shit. That I went from the fun one to the liability to the wasted fucking potential. I'm a capable sonofabitch, and I've had tons of opportunities to do great things, but for some reason I've never been able to take them. Im scared I'm going to end up at 25 with a son or daughter that I can't spoil rotten and do all the things I want to do when/if I ever have children. I dont want to end up feeling how my father does everyday, a constant disapointment.

I know what I'm good at,
-I'm personable
-I can be professional as hell
-I like makin people laugh
-I have a tendency to make people trust me from the first time they meet me
-I can charm my way into just about anything when I really want.
-I'm a true do it yourselfer
-I like making a difference in people's lives, or a lasting [good] impression.
-I tell good stories.



But what I'm good at isnt going to get the money I want per year.
I've really been considering law school, but I crack under pressure too easily.
I'd love to be a teacher, but the money is shit starting out
Fireman? Would be hard to have a family.
Cop? Most hated job in the world
Doctor? I couldnt afford to go to school for it even if I wanted.



But Ive realized, money really isnt everything.
The fuck am I saying? Everything is about the money.

Just like TPain

I'm starting to find a large contempt towards myself.

Things are looking up and I can't deny it.
But this is not what I wanted and how I wanted this year to go so far.

Im going to start looking for another job.
Honestly, working on cars is starting to ruin the hobby aspect for me.

I need to go back to school and get a real degree, and stop having some self righteous reason for not going back yet.

Honestly, its the fear of it. And the uncertainty of what I want for a career. The fear of wasting time.

I drove the Teg around tonight.
It really took me back to being 16 again.

4709

I hate to admit that I do actually like her.
Alot.

I mentioned

I told her that we should hang out and talk.

I've spent a decent portion of today trying to decide how I want to go about saying what I think needs to be said.
Or if it really does need to be said.
Or if I should just roll with the punches and keep my mouth shut.

Quite frankly, I'm insulted.

And Quite frankly, Im nervous.

The Real World season finale somewhat disappointed me.

I hate not being able to sleep when I want/should.

I hate everything I think about.

I've thought about her alot.
About how there's alot of things that I want to say, but don't for good reason.


I realized that one of my biggest problems, is my inability to let go of the past and really move forward. As in, most of the women from my past seem to have a piece of me, and sometimes I feel like I've lost most of what used to make me, myself.


Fast cars and abandoned friendships.

Hmph

She's way too good to me.

I came home from work today to eat a quick dinner, had my insurance bills and something else on the counter, as well as a package from her.

I opened it. It was my two favorite candy bars and a pack of Malrboro Lights.

With a note saying

"Here's a few stress relievers, hope you have a great week.
Miss you."


Why have I lost my ability to really care about people?
Why have I lost my ability to give?

Why do I feel as empty as I did years ago.
But now I don't have an outlet, I don't have friends in the same boat, I don't have the reckess company of days past, and all I can do is hold it in.

I need a release.

Everything is all I have to give you
And I'm afraid it ain't enough
And you're not so young that you believe me
Just because I say it's love
And even if they come to steal you tomorrow
I'll know my smile was yours
Go ahead and chase your dreams and your freedom
Run, run wild wild horses
You can't tame these horses
You can't tame these horses, no
You can't tame these horses
You can't tame these horses


I gotta order a new fuel pump for the GSR, lol.

Either don't be jealous of who I'm with, or have me to yourself.
Or dont bring in someone new that you know doesnt do it for you and pretend.

It's a simple fucking thought process.

And shes a waste of time I feel sometimes. A lost cause.
But I know I wouldn't be me without her. I know I wouldn't want to not have her in my life.
And other times, I know Id give her all the time in the world and I'd be pretty happy.


I have too much on my mind.

Way
Too
Much

Wessy F baby & don’t forqet the F around me
And if you do, then qet the F around me

New car

So, I got the GSR, insured and all.

So far, went ahead and bought
-Timing belt
-Water Pump
-Wiper blades
-Fuel Filter
-PCV
-NGK Spark plugs
-Valvoline oil
-Coolant

Still need to go get a temp sender switch and a failsafe thermostat.

I hope I'll have some time sunday to get it all installed so I can start driving it more.

Not that I cant drive it now, but the temp gauge is kinda iffy, so I'd rather get all the maintenance done before I DD it.

I'm also pretty sure that is has a lightweight flywheel in it.
And as cool as it is, I want to get rid of the damned thing and trade it for a stock one.

I also need to trade Mike for some rear speakers tomorrow at work, so I can throw my 4 channel and components and everything in at once.

I need to go get a new soldering iron as well.



And sometimes, I don't think many people realize the amount of stress I'm under.
I hope those around me realize how sorry I am for letting it get the best of me, or for my actions as of late.

Money, money, money

So, my loan went through today, Gotta go get the cash out, and blam, Integra GSR sedan is mine.

Im pretty excited.

I finally got Johns motor in last night, nothing is wired up or anything yet, but its resting in the car, I may finish up some off it tonight depending on my mood.

What was cool though, was that at like 1:30 this morning, I got a call from Forough. It was funny, as for some reason I always get excited when she calls, as I tend to only see her once every few months, but, I love catching up with her, and reminiscing about crazy shit over the years. definitely have her in my book of "coolest girls I know" for sure. So, we drove the streets of Atlanta for a couple of hours, and went down around hapeville so I could try and find the ballin drift spot everyone was talking about, with no avail, haha. I do enjoy her company more than most, as it seems that her and I really are on about the same page of craziness, I just never noticed, haha. The one thing that bothers me a bit though, is that we've been good friends for about 3 years now, but honestly, I realized that I don't really know her as well as I do most friends I've had that long. Hopefully we'll hang out more often, as I'd love to change that.

There's not that many people that can get me to drive downtown at 2am, haha.

I dunno, as stressed as I am with the things going on in my household, Im in a decent mood.
Im pretty sure a new car will cheer me up to be honest.

Tired

Im so tired.


Im tired of this day to day shit, tired of feeling like I do.

Barely trust them

I know a guy with a rockstar life
but he still dont fly so hes mad at the sky
sits me down and kicks his wisdom
hes been around now give him a listen
seems like hes gotta lotta complaints bout now-a-days things aint the same
used to play some faith in the basement
a toast for the sky and those kids that he came with
cause they all on the same shit based on cutdown _
uptown stay strong
dont ever do a dance with the devil now
that smile is a sign that you're sellin out
judgement, gossip, ethics, lets just exploit all this excess
you can feel how he feels
to walk around town lookin down from them tall heels.
and who needs fame or fortune when you get the same love that the fame is snortin
future, so afraid of yours as you strayed from the course and you came up short
believe he would have more credibility if he wasnt just another drunk pill junkie
its obvious to me that hes still hungry for the superstars a little bad lucky
go ahead and get mad at god
point your fingers at your dad and at santa claus
listen all of yall its a sabatoge wouldnt look so bad with the bandage off

it goes one for the bar tab, two for the shot, lets go to your car, do another line
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess
one for the bass, two for the drums, last call gonna take whatever comes
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess.

i think its great how you used to be great
i cant hate on how you choose to relate
but i know that you had the potential
i understand why you wanted to let go
a lot of pressure in the middle of those shoulders
and we aint gettin nothin but older
aint nothin change but the day we run from
but nobody knows it better than you huh?

one for the bar tab, two for the shot, lets go to your car, do another line
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess
one for the bass, two for the drums, last call gonna take whatever comes
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess.

one for the bar tab, two for the shot, lets go to your car, do another line
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess
one for the bass, two for the drums, last call gonna take what ever comes
barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess.

barely trust em, they're all puppets, love is nothin scared of sucess

Eh

I should know monday for sure if my loan is approved, so I can bring this damned Integra home.

Ive started to wonder if getting this car was more trouble than it was worth, but it'll work out well, atleast I know Im buying it for less than its worth, so I can always sell if if I decide to.

Geico

So, I got an insurance quote for this GSR.

Basically, it was liabiliy with Comprehensive on it incase its stolen.

Came out to fucking 50.07 a month. That is fucking ballerific.

Mom said she'd go cosign on the loan for me if I needed it, which was pretty cool, she knows how long I've wanted a GSR. I'm gonna mess with it some more monday, drive it around, and check it all out, have shane leakdown test it and do a good once over on it before I buy it, just so I know what I'd be getting into if I pick it up.

I figure if anything, I can get it home, and sell the Konigs off it, and get some blades or SI wheels, or just some better looking 17's for it since it has damn near new tires on it. 17x8's would sit nice on it.

I dunno, I hate to get another Honda, because I know the modding bug will get ahold of me, but, it would be a hellafun car to scoot around in daily.

I mean, 4dr, good mileage, MT, and a proven reliable motor that with a few boltons should put down about 170whp, which would be mighty fun.


I'll say this though, the first thing I'm getting for it is a fucking Oil PSI gauge, and some headunit, so I can put the speakers I have laying around in it, as well as wiring up some kind of ignition and fuel kill, as well as a starter trick too.

relate to the
dead ends to chase
feelings to fake
new hearts to break
amends to make
they all so
afraid of safe
and need their space
but huggin' that crowd
when we shake with the quake
and uh...
times like this are up...
Up for whatever
and how are you?

we break their stride
cause we break our mirrors
their huggin' that pride like its all there is
we make our own and if they don't feel it
then we are not for them...
we caught a riot..




I feel like Im at work everday lately, but, honestly, Im to a point Im tired of it, and I want a steady check at the end of the week.

Mike has a 94 GSR sedan that Im trying to buy.

Hopefully I get approved for the loan on it, I could use a good credit build as well.

Goddamnit.
She drives me up a wall sometimes.

Everytime.
I'm wondering, how do you not get over someone you've never had?

The looks she gives me, those fucking green eyes, that seem to have gotten a brownish tint to them over the years. And that smartass cackle she has.
I know what shes doing. But I don't think she does sometimes.

Fuck.
Same shit, different year.


But I put it all on the table 2 nights ago. Period.

Ball is in her Court.

Note to self

Stay true.
Be easy.

We're all just chasing a high
So we play it by ear.
Nothing to gain.
Nothing to fear.

Cheese

It's funny to me how Steph and I are still good friends after this many years.

"Hey, whats up....wanna buy me dinner"

I couldn't help but laugh.


I dunno, I need to get my shit together for real.

I need something to happen by 2010.

So I'm gonna put myself on a time table.

I need $xxxx in the bank.
I need my own place.
I need a reliable car paid off.
I need a purpose.

Hmm.

It's a strange feeling going through my mind.

I try to shrug it off, and not admit to it. 

But the more I look at her when she smiles, and the more she looks at me like I'm the only guy in the world, I seriously feel like I'm falling in love with her.

It scares the living shit out of me.

Picked up an exhaust for Lucy last night.

Ordered some 4x6 to 6.5 speaker adapters for her as well.

I need to get my Circuit Sports gasket from Griffin, header from Neejay, and an S14 upper intake manifold, as well as my rear stainless brake lines from peter, my gauges, tube or two of Window Weld, and some other odds and ends.

I also need to sort through my cam collection so I know which to swap in my KA.

So, apparently, I have a "Haggard Swagger."

By definition, it's due to my constant 5 o'clock shadow, my roughneck nature, my general attire of black tee's and jeans, how I tend to not give a shit about anything, and how my brother "has seen bitches throw themselves at me due to my nature, but none want a relationship with me"

Success

I'm going to find the balance.

I'm going to find my success.

Make yours lists, check twice.

Worry more about what you can see, than what you can't.

Race

My mind races with the things I want.

I somehow get to a point where I have a nice balance of the things in my life that I always hold dear.

I have a nice girl that I'm almost positive would like a relationship with me.

I have money.

I have cars.

I have clothes.

I have spare time.

I find myself doing things because its the right thing, whether I want to or not.

I feel like I've been alot easier to get along with in recent times.

I find myself not getting as nervous when I get in large groups without a substance.

I find myself feeling more independent minded, not asking for much, trying not to atleast.

But for some reason, I know something is missing.

I'm not satisfied, and I still can't figure out why.

And my mind races, as I try to decide the difference between my needs and wants, and which I think are more important.

I want to go back to school, to have a sense of worth or accomplishment.

But, What I need, is to decide on something I want to do with my life, and work my ass off to get it, whether school will help, or just doing it.

I need to get my shit together, and move out of my house.

I used to think this was a want, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's something I need to do for myself.

I want a nice lady. Love, romance, someone I can put before everyone else.

But, I dont need commitment. Atleast, Im really not sure if I'm ready for that.

The only real want, and need I have at the moment that tend to go hand in hand, is money.

I want to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I need to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I want, and need to get on my grind, and get on my hustle.

More work.

Less sleep.

More party.

Less sleep.

More recklessness.

Less giving a fuck.

No more remorse.

No more regrets.

I need to make choices, and never look back.

I've become an addict of chaos.

I'm addicted to doing what the fuck I want to do when I want it.

I'm addicted to being in control, and I never realized it until the other night.

As I drove around with a nice girl, that as much as I don't want to, as much as I shouldn't, I somewhat find myself falling for her, shes so sweet, and does some of the nicest little things, she cares, too much, I fear. 

She said to me "Wes, is this how you get to know any girl you're into? Just drive all over GA?" 

She said it with the cutest smile, and she looked at me like I was the only guy she'd ever given those eyes to. I could honestly tell she was enjoying herself getting lost with me. But it caught me off guard.

I looked her in the eye at the next redlight, and said "Well honey, to be honest, behind the wheel of a car is the only place I've ever felt like I was fully in control in my entire life."

She said nothing, but looked at me with a half smile.

I never really realized how thats the truest statement I've ever made in my entire life. Of all the self-diagnosis I've given myself. Of all the times I've tried to break myself down to who or what the fuck I was/am. That was the truest statement I've ever made about myself.

I'm addicted to the road. To my music. To my cigarettes.

I cant stop. My Ipod goes to half battery most nights I use it so much, my speakers bleed some nights, I'm back to a pack a day, and atleast a quarter-half tank a day.

I've put 90k on my RSX, and haven't even owned the car 3 years.

My mother, who takes anti-depressants,  looked at me after a small arguement the other night, and said "You need meds."

I still am not completely sure how I should take that.

I looked at her and said something to the effect of "I'm sorry we all just can't take a pill and pretend we are happy with our lives, mom."

I'm starting to think, that I doubt I will ever find true honest happiness in my life.

And I have a feeling the second I do, something will rip it all out from under me.

Thats the story of my life.

A constant  sense of forboding. 

"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can. "