I wish I could figure out whats missing in my life.

Heh

I'm curious sometimes why I still have such a soft spot for Kelly.

Ice cream paint job

It's nice when you see old friends.

I haven't seen Kacey in over 4 years, maybe spoke to her 6 or 7 times in that timeframe. And randomly, we got dinner tonight at 1am, ha.

It was nice to catch up, I realized she hasn't seen me since I had my old S14. And how she wouldnt let me drive to get food since the last time we were in a car together, I was flying down some backroad with no headlights on and scared the shit out of her.

But it was nice, really nice, just to catch up, and reminisce about random shit from way back when. We joked about everyone we haven't seen in years, and those we have, how we both are crazy, and how we're both each others backup marriages/planned affairs when our first marriages end up sucking.

Its funny, I think shes probably the first girl I really remember having a crush on in elementary school, and she always reminds me, ha. Really, the more I think about it, she was my first real best friend that was a girl when we were kids.

I dunno, I think what tripped me out, was that there was no awkwardness whatsoever tonight, just big hugs and smiles and lots of shit talking and catching up, it was damned near like we'd never not hung out. It's funny how we all change since childhood, but how it comes as no surprise the things that we've all done.

I needed that.

This is probably my favorite picture I've ever been a part of.

I really wish I could figure out where all this anger keeps coming from.

Smooth Criminal

If there's one thing I've realized about this fine group of people, is that things will never be what they were. Ever.

We've all came too far, went too far, changed, grown, whatever you want to call it.

Theres a strong distaste toward some, and its to a point where its hard to even be civil anymore.

It saddens me, years ago, there never was this problem, we could pour another round, and be merry.

I'm glad though that my two best friends still are just that.

I'm glad of the distance with Courtney. I like leaving a bad taste in her mouth everytime we see each other. Maybe one day this game we play will end, check and mate. It needs to. Fuck her sake, for my sake. Shes fucked without me, and she knows it. She can pretend she has shit going on, and you can tell in her tone of voice how full of shit she is. I'm just glad I don't front, atleast in that department. She keeps me close to feel wanted, just cause shes knows I don't judge her, and I care no matter what. No one else will do that for her, atleast and mean it.

I'm glad of the distance with Kelly. You can't count on her. I love that girl, and theres always going to be unfinished business between her and I, whether she admits it or not. She looks at me that way. Hell, I look at her that way. Probably why we don't see each other that often. She cant front with me, and we put each other in our place. No matter how passive she is, we still do that. Thats how I know, thats how everyone knows. Besides, I want a woman that will actually do something with herself. Kelly won't, atleast until it all comes crashing down. Another Carolina drama. We all know that. But who am I to judge, I never attempt to make a change until the last minute.

It almost makes me happy to see that distance, and to see what true colors we all have, myself included.

I've become alot more introverted than I used to be, atleast I feel that way, and sometimes my distaste for myself seems to come out of my pores, to the point where everyone around me can sense it. I know they do.

But thats alright. Atleast I'm not lying to myself, or pretending what I do is glamourous, or pretending that everything's alright. Hell, atleast I don't have to lie about my occupation to potentially find love. Atleast I don't carry that shame, and try to justify it with money.

But one thing I've realized, is that everyone has a price. Everyone.

I just haven't been able to have been bought yet.

And to be honest, I'd rather people see every side of me that they can within the first 20 minutes of knowing me rather than seeing just a bit of it, and being shocked when it all comes out.

Too many shades of grey. Too many shades of black.

I've realized that happiness isnt based on what you do. Its not based on who you are. And its damned sure not based on the women in your life. I've had two women in my life I feel that I really love, and one's been my best friend for years. So with that being said, I'm happy with my female companionship, becuase I have a best friend, whos closer to me than most family members I have that I adore and can trust, and thats where it ends. Not many can say that.

So when it comes to romance, I'll say fuck it, and stay to being myself.
I always know when I meet a potential Ms. Right. I know within 20 minutes.
I'm a scary judge of character.

A haggard swagger having, fast driving, ADD, manic depressive roughneck realizing that shit will work itsself out the way its meant to, and I can't change whats meant to happen.

I doubt I'm ever going to meet one woman that really fulfills me. Yeah, I said it. I have too many sides to me to have them all satisfied. Maybe thats why I used to play the games I did. I cared about all of the women in one way or another, the manic side loved Courtney because she is crazier than me, and made me feel better about myself. Puppy love wanted Kelly, just because she used to be what my ideal woman was. The future wanted Kellye, she gave me hope that one day I might really feel normal and satisfied, but as I tend to always do, I have to destroy something beautiful. I always do. When it comes down to it. Thats my only real regret. It was the first time I saw genuine heartbreak in someone. It was the first time I felt genuine heartbreak, and the after effects of it. Shes was the first burn I ever had. And the first thing I was ever certain of. I singlehandedly ruined it. And I will always take all the blame for that, knowing it wasn't really all me. One day, I hope she realized I never meant to do the things I did, and never intended to hurt her. I was younger, I was dumber. I was heartless. She never deserved that. Hell, I never deserved a girl like that. I sometimes hope one day, we'll make it happen again, secretly, I think about it everynow and then, you never know if it was meant to be or not. I still dream about the next time I ever see her or talk to her. It scares me, and its the most vulnerable I feel sometimes thinking about it. I dont know if I could even look her in the eye. Sometimes, I think the chance encounter we had that started our relationship was that sign, sometimes, I don't think it meant a thing. Maybe one day. Maybe one. I just know in my mind, its impossible to forget everything, its impossible to not care.

Even if I had my dream house, car, friends, and money, I'd blow the motor in the car, burn the house to the ground, run away from all my friends, and blow every dime.

I suppose its based on being comfortable in your own skin. I don't mean physically, I mean knowing who the fuck you are, and being confident in your abilities. I suppose its based on knowing that the main company you keep has your back when you need it. And they're let you hang yourself when you need that too. Everyone needs a good ass-kicking.


I'll run myself into the ground before I get my head in the clouds. And I can sleep easy with that feeling.

I've started burning myself at both ends again. Its what I need to do. Less sleep. More work, more stress. Its what I thrive off of. Some thrive off drama, some thrive off romance, others thrive off the occasional chaos and lack of routine.

But at the end of the day, no matter how the fuck I feel, or what I dream about at night.

I pride myself on this.
I can admit to myself or anyone that I'm miserable, and that I can be man enough to not put on a fucking front and pretend I'm going somewhere at the moment, knowing damned well I'm not.

Heh, sometimes I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.




Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

The things I'd do for a normal nights rest.
to not dream about the past.

To not have random dreams of another.
Sometimes I feel like there's a strange unspoken chemistry.
I think I just make things out to be more than they are.


But regardless, I am miserable lately.
But I have my cars, my cigarettes, and my music.

That should be enough.
Nothing's enough.

I'm beginnin to realize just how good I am at faking it.


I'd be a liar if I said I don't look at old pictures sometimes, and miss her.

I feel like a horrid friend somedays.

I havent had any work in a week or two.

And despite what others say, Misery does not love company. I'd rather be alone.

I went to be at 3am, woke up at 7:15 this morning. I woke up in a cold sweat, its amazing how I still dream about past loves and old cars. Its amazing how it makes me sick that I do. I took a shower, and went back to bed, only to sleep all day.

I dont like this.