Race

My mind races with the things I want.

I somehow get to a point where I have a nice balance of the things in my life that I always hold dear.

I have a nice girl that I'm almost positive would like a relationship with me.

I have money.

I have cars.

I have clothes.

I have spare time.

I find myself doing things because its the right thing, whether I want to or not.

I feel like I've been alot easier to get along with in recent times.

I find myself not getting as nervous when I get in large groups without a substance.

I find myself feeling more independent minded, not asking for much, trying not to atleast.

But for some reason, I know something is missing.

I'm not satisfied, and I still can't figure out why.

And my mind races, as I try to decide the difference between my needs and wants, and which I think are more important.

I want to go back to school, to have a sense of worth or accomplishment.

But, What I need, is to decide on something I want to do with my life, and work my ass off to get it, whether school will help, or just doing it.

I need to get my shit together, and move out of my house.

I used to think this was a want, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's something I need to do for myself.

I want a nice lady. Love, romance, someone I can put before everyone else.

But, I dont need commitment. Atleast, Im really not sure if I'm ready for that.

The only real want, and need I have at the moment that tend to go hand in hand, is money.

I want to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I need to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I want, and need to get on my grind, and get on my hustle.

More work.

Less sleep.

More party.

Less sleep.

More recklessness.

Less giving a fuck.

No more remorse.

No more regrets.

I need to make choices, and never look back.

I've become an addict of chaos.

I'm addicted to doing what the fuck I want to do when I want it.

I'm addicted to being in control, and I never realized it until the other night.

As I drove around with a nice girl, that as much as I don't want to, as much as I shouldn't, I somewhat find myself falling for her, shes so sweet, and does some of the nicest little things, she cares, too much, I fear. 

She said to me "Wes, is this how you get to know any girl you're into? Just drive all over GA?" 

She said it with the cutest smile, and she looked at me like I was the only guy she'd ever given those eyes to. I could honestly tell she was enjoying herself getting lost with me. But it caught me off guard.

I looked her in the eye at the next redlight, and said "Well honey, to be honest, behind the wheel of a car is the only place I've ever felt like I was fully in control in my entire life."

She said nothing, but looked at me with a half smile.

I never really realized how thats the truest statement I've ever made in my entire life. Of all the self-diagnosis I've given myself. Of all the times I've tried to break myself down to who or what the fuck I was/am. That was the truest statement I've ever made about myself.

I'm addicted to the road. To my music. To my cigarettes.

I cant stop. My Ipod goes to half battery most nights I use it so much, my speakers bleed some nights, I'm back to a pack a day, and atleast a quarter-half tank a day.

I've put 90k on my RSX, and haven't even owned the car 3 years.

My mother, who takes anti-depressants,  looked at me after a small arguement the other night, and said "You need meds."

I still am not completely sure how I should take that.

I looked at her and said something to the effect of "I'm sorry we all just can't take a pill and pretend we are happy with our lives, mom."

I'm starting to think, that I doubt I will ever find true honest happiness in my life.

And I have a feeling the second I do, something will rip it all out from under me.

Thats the story of my life.

A constant  sense of forboding. 

"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can. "