Success

I'm going to find the balance.

I'm going to find my success.

Make yours lists, check twice.

Worry more about what you can see, than what you can't.

Race

My mind races with the things I want.

I somehow get to a point where I have a nice balance of the things in my life that I always hold dear.

I have a nice girl that I'm almost positive would like a relationship with me.

I have money.

I have cars.

I have clothes.

I have spare time.

I find myself doing things because its the right thing, whether I want to or not.

I feel like I've been alot easier to get along with in recent times.

I find myself not getting as nervous when I get in large groups without a substance.

I find myself feeling more independent minded, not asking for much, trying not to atleast.

But for some reason, I know something is missing.

I'm not satisfied, and I still can't figure out why.

And my mind races, as I try to decide the difference between my needs and wants, and which I think are more important.

I want to go back to school, to have a sense of worth or accomplishment.

But, What I need, is to decide on something I want to do with my life, and work my ass off to get it, whether school will help, or just doing it.

I need to get my shit together, and move out of my house.

I used to think this was a want, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's something I need to do for myself.

I want a nice lady. Love, romance, someone I can put before everyone else.

But, I dont need commitment. Atleast, Im really not sure if I'm ready for that.

The only real want, and need I have at the moment that tend to go hand in hand, is money.

I want to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I need to add some zero's on the end of my bank account.

I want, and need to get on my grind, and get on my hustle.

More work.

Less sleep.

More party.

Less sleep.

More recklessness.

Less giving a fuck.

No more remorse.

No more regrets.

I need to make choices, and never look back.

I've become an addict of chaos.

I'm addicted to doing what the fuck I want to do when I want it.

I'm addicted to being in control, and I never realized it until the other night.

As I drove around with a nice girl, that as much as I don't want to, as much as I shouldn't, I somewhat find myself falling for her, shes so sweet, and does some of the nicest little things, she cares, too much, I fear. 

She said to me "Wes, is this how you get to know any girl you're into? Just drive all over GA?" 

She said it with the cutest smile, and she looked at me like I was the only guy she'd ever given those eyes to. I could honestly tell she was enjoying herself getting lost with me. But it caught me off guard.

I looked her in the eye at the next redlight, and said "Well honey, to be honest, behind the wheel of a car is the only place I've ever felt like I was fully in control in my entire life."

She said nothing, but looked at me with a half smile.

I never really realized how thats the truest statement I've ever made in my entire life. Of all the self-diagnosis I've given myself. Of all the times I've tried to break myself down to who or what the fuck I was/am. That was the truest statement I've ever made about myself.

I'm addicted to the road. To my music. To my cigarettes.

I cant stop. My Ipod goes to half battery most nights I use it so much, my speakers bleed some nights, I'm back to a pack a day, and atleast a quarter-half tank a day.

I've put 90k on my RSX, and haven't even owned the car 3 years.

My mother, who takes anti-depressants,  looked at me after a small arguement the other night, and said "You need meds."

I still am not completely sure how I should take that.

I looked at her and said something to the effect of "I'm sorry we all just can't take a pill and pretend we are happy with our lives, mom."

I'm starting to think, that I doubt I will ever find true honest happiness in my life.

And I have a feeling the second I do, something will rip it all out from under me.

Thats the story of my life.

A constant  sense of forboding. 

"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can. "

Ugh

Shes such a dirty girl.

Anticipation

Why is it not 2pm yet?

Do work.

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a nonstop work schedule, with the new lady thrown in here and there.

I dunno, its nice, I should have some decent money coming in.

I still have to get to work on the G20, which is truthfully what I should be doing tonight, but really, I think I'll just wait til sunday and enjoy my weekend off.

"Got A thing for the women that dont love themself
So either loosen up your hair or tighten up your belt
This time, this time is A good time
Good times"

Looking at my Nixon it's about that time
For me to light another cigarette and settle my mind
Foot soldier, been waiting for the took over
Probably won't be getting naked, if she looks sober
I'm a primate with pimp-like mind state
Raising the curb to make contemporaries irate
Still obsessed with your breasts and your fishnet
Beating on my thin chest screaming out "Mid-West!"
My nature is to make you a believer
On your stereo receiver or your barely legal beaver
Buzzin' overhead spittin' fly game
Nowadays cats be getting paid and laid up off of my name
Wait a minute, take a number
Made a visit to your village with this fresh baked biscuit
And stayed consistent
Breaking in the heads ain't as difficult
When half of them are trippin' over how they missed the boat
The key is control but your flow is contrived
Keep it in my soul take it with when I die
Plug that mic in and let heaven get live
Turn a groupie into an angel when she 8 7 6 5

Anticipation

I can't wait til friday.

She makes me smile so damned big, it may not be healthy.

But I really haven't been this into a girl in a long time.

I always go by feel, and it all feels right.

It's rare I genuinely miss someone who I haven't seen in a few days, or that I look forward to a quick hug and kiss as much.

Money situation may be looking up soon.

Mike came by this morning to check out the Prelude, granted he ends up buying it the way I want it for the amount I want, it will free up some good cash for me, and allow me to make a decent amount on something else.

Casey's picking up my new coupe I brought home.

It'll be nice, I'll have enough cash to get some tools I need, and alot of the nickel and dime stuff for my hatch.

Mainly:

-Altima Fans

-Autometer Oil Psi and Water Temp gauges, as well as the sender for the engine shutoff.

-Rear wheel bearings

-Cash's TT wheels (who I still need to call again to see whats up with those)

-All my fluids and random shit

-S14/Pathfinder Seatbelts.

-Possibly an Optima battery, Shane had a deal for me on a yellowtop.

And hopefully, depending on whats agreed on the Prelude, I can get a Sil front, or some coilovers, not sure which I want to go for first.

Regardless, I decided I'm going to paint the front end myself.

I'm starting to have a great feeling about 2009.

Love tha way you agrivate your hips 
and push your ass out 
gotta nigga wantin' 
it's so bad 
i'm about to pass out 
wanna dig you 
and I can't even lie about it 
baby just eleviate your cloths 
time to fly up out it 
catch you at a club 
oh shit, you got me fiendin' 
body talken shit to me 
but I can't comprehend the meaning 
now if ya wanna roll with me 
then here's ya chance 
doin 80 on tha freeway 
wait police, catch me if they can 
forgive me i'm a ridah 
still i'm just a simple man 
all I want is money 
fuck tha fame 
i'm a simple man 
Mr. International 
Playa with tha passport 
just like a ladder bitch 
get you anything you ask for 
it's either him or me 
champagne, Hennessy 
a favorite of my homies 
when we floss on our enemies 
witness as we creep to a low speed 
peep what a ho need 
puff some more weed 
funk, ya don't need 
approachin' hochies with a passion 
been a long day 
but i've been drivin' by attraction 
in a strong way 
your body is bangin' 
baby I love it when ya flaunt it 
time to give it to daddy nigga 
now tell me how you want it... 

Simply Irresistable

Good god, that girl makes me smile.

I could literally kiss her for hours, I've never seen a smile like hers.

I come home, with her smell on me, and I can't help but smile.

And this isnt the normal "Aw this is cool" smile.

This is a, I literally am lit up like a kid on Christmas smile.

Beautiful days.

I love days with the weather like this.

Gives me a good feeling, almost like a high.

Her and I talk all day long, and all night.

It's funny how she texts me at work to see how tired I am, and to apologize for keeping me up all night.

I mentioned her to Vito, he couldn't help but laugh when I told him shes not what I usually go for, "I know man, that personality she has, just reels you in" or something like that.

I gotta start on the G20 tonight.

I feel pretty dick for mentioning to John how I expected him to get the machine work done on the Lude and the HG for it, when I originally said I'd do his swap for free.

So, I can't let him pay me, whether its deserved or not, I gotta stick with my word. As its all a person really has in this world.

I worry about John alot sometimes. 

I tend to have nightmares often, and many are about his funeral, as its always been in the back of my mind that unless by some freak accident, that he will pass before I do.

And then I sit and wonder, if I've been a good enough friend in his eyes.

Hopefully Vito and I can be back in the gym by the end of the week.

Counts linked me to some workout plans, and he told me he used one for about a month, and it was rock and roll.

I gotta get Jack Deisel'd.

I dunno, but I've been in a damned good mood lately, and it feels nice.

Alot of stress isn't there. Maybe, I finally have started picking up the pieces.

But instead of just picking them all up, I'm figuring out where they go, or where they should be, and that alone, puts a legitimate smile on my face.

I've began to realize I need to start reading more, and that maybe, that will help my writing.

I have a list of books I want to pick up, some to re-read, some that I've never finished.

Machiavelli - The Prince

Orwell - 1984 and Animal Farm

I need to re-read the Great Gatsby as well.

And just about all of the Shakespeare Tragedies, I hate to admit it, but I want to get the modern English translations.

And for some reason, I've been wanting to read Nikki Sixx's Heroin diaries.

Building a balance, a day at a time.

Trading Spouses

Ya know, to an extent, this show is almost heartbreaking to me.

As in, its almost like it takes a truly happy family, and tries to fuck it up by mixing the wife with anther family thats not as full of love.

I've been listening to Atmosphere most of the day.

"I've gotten love, I've gotten drunk, I've gotten beat up in that parkinglot"

Trying to find a balance.

In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester 
Treat me like a God, oh they treat me like a leper 
You see me move back and forth between both 
I'm trying to find a balance 
I'm trying to build a balance 

You're a bad kid, Wes

This chick is in noway the type I normally go for, shes not the usual petite trophy chick, but something about her just makes me want to be all over her, and I can't figure out what it is, I literally just want to be all over her, and know everything I can about her.

Shes cute to me though, such a smartass, and I dont know, maybe its that I look at different things in girls these days, but I love the way she carries herself. Shes a bit cocky, but, has a real sweetness about her, its really strange.

Pride kicks in

I'm excited with the possibility of something new.

Court and I talked tonight.

I think most of what was said was needed.

She was right.

I was right.

I write more, I write out the anger, the anger that I'd otherwise regret coming out and saying, as I told her.

Theres a strange understanding we have.

A strange trust.

She knows when I'm not lying.

I need to get back in the gym.

I should have been to bed hours ago.

Although, I have a really sweet girl thats supposed to call me when she wakes up.

I have my phone on loud, heh.

We may hang out tonight, Im curious as how it will go.

I'm babbling at this point.

I need my head in one place again.

One thing Court and I touched on, was that, I'm getting back into my old shoes.

Im getting back in to giving a fuck less.

I dont know if I'm lying to myself again, who knows.

I was genuinely happy today. Maybe its the weather, maybe it was riding through Gainesville with my windows down, stereo up, and sunroof open.

Maybe it was the all day texts back and forth, but it was cute, smalltalk and the most random details of our day.

Maybe it was being alone at the shop for a good portion of the day, just doing my thing, bumpin some west coast rap, and not being able to stop myself from dancing.

I'm not sure.

But I'm going to get back to the old me.

The confident me. The somewhat cocky me. The caring in the strange ways me. The Crazy me. The reckless me. The me that used to work when I felt like I knew who I was.

Just without the hothead. Without the disregard. Without being cold.

I'm starting to question if I have a personality disorder at times.

Seriously.

I want to start a new band, I have alot of shit I need to get out.

Hail Mary 2009

"If you were ballin, money went as quick as it came."

I think her and I may have a date tomorrow or saturday.

Tis a shame I dont know what her favorite flowers are incase we go out saturday.

Regardless, it should be fun.

We talk about the most random of things.

I've listened to the Don Kiluminati: 7 Day Theory album in full last night, and I have to say, its an impressive album, I never realized Toss it Up was on that album.

But something about Hail Mary, just makes me visualize a man hitting his breaking point, and just unleashing on everyone.

They went out for a late dinner. It was on a thursday, which was usually his late night, but on this thursday, he would have rather went to sleep early. But as always, he couldn't let her down, as she had him for so many years. He had to feel like the better man. Maybe, he was always the dumber man, but he couldn't tell anymore as many games as they'd played. Nevertheless, he had an uneasy feeling about this dinner. He had something on his mind all day, something he wanted to tell her. He was happy, eyes lit up like Christmas, and wanted to share that with her. He was full of joy as he sat down at the table. She had a slight sparkle in her eye as well, but a vacant look.

The waiter came to the table, and took the drink and appetizer orders. A Manhattan for her, and a stouter than usual Crown and Sprite for him. He needed liquid courage for the night ahead, as his sense of forboding grew stronger. The happiness he was experiencing quickly wore off, and he realized, there was no going back.

The two made small talk, catching up over the previous weeks events. Sharing the details of thier days which were overlooked in the text messages they shared. She talked about her new job, he talked about his slow days at his current one. She mentioned how she hated it. He just realized its the same ol same ol for him.

The Appetizer came. It was their usual, Chips and salsa, and a side of queso. But he wasnt hungry, she dug in.

He sat there, listened, and sipped on his drink, the second the waiter walked by, he ordered another. "Are you ok honey? You aren't eating, and I haven't seen you have a drink that fast in a while?" "Im not too hungry dear, and its been a long day"

After a short silence, as he finished off his second drink, the waiter reappeared "Alright guys, what can I get for you two tonight?" He had a very friendly demeanor for a server at a place like this, you could tell, he was doing the best with what he got. The waiter noticed the mans expression on his face, almost like someone who was just shot. She ordered a burger, medium, with toppings on the side. He ordered a steak, bloody, with a plain baked potato. She noticed the change, but didnt mention it for a moment.

His face began to become pale, like he had just taken one too many of his favorite painkillers. By this time, she noticed. There was another silence, although, it was more awkward. She realized the way he had always looked at her, was gone for the first time. He could tell she noticed, but his dimeanor didn't change. He caught the waiter, and ordered drink number 3. By this point, she knew something was wrong. She knew something was eating him alive. She had no idea what. Or she did, just couldnt admit it. He became pale as a ghost. She knew he'd been on those pills, and began to worry that the drinks could cause a lethal reaction. He knew this was what she was thinking, "Honey. I'm fine. Stop worrying. I'm not an addict. I'm just frustrated"

The food came. She began to eat, ever worrying about his state, drink #4, it was evident he was getting loose. He cut his steak, but, did is slower than usual. "Whats on your mind dear?", she asked him. By this point, he'd taken another painkiller, I suppose he needed more than liquid courage.

"Whats on my mind?"

"Is that what you want to really know?"

His tone seemed less open and happy. More shrewd, more hollow, angry.

"Yes! I dont like it when your like this, please talk to me."

"Well, Ill tell you why Im like this. I'm like this, because I cant take this anymore. over 4 fucking years! 4 FUCKING YEARS!", he yelled. She knew she shouldnt have asked, but it was on. There was no stopping him. She hoped that this might be like the many other times, he yelled, then collected himself. But the mix of courage he was on, he didnt care.

He screamed, she couldnt tell if he was going to hit her, or break down and cry, she'd only seen this once in her life.

"Four fucking years, Ive sat here at these tables with you, Ive lost friends over you, Ive lost girlfriends for you, Ive made more mistakes looking out for you than anything in my life. I left everything for you, I lost sleep, everything, just to try and make you fucking happy, you fucking bitch. For years, I always had your back even when I knew I was wrong, or you were, but that didnt matter. You pretend it did, no. I stayed around for some fucked up notion of love, some fucked up sense of dignity, and trying to support you. Youre worthless. Fucking worthless. Im the only motherfucker you've ever had in your life that unconditionally loved you, Im the only one that had your fucking back. And what do I have to show for it? A life of regrets and mistakes and wasted fucking hopes. You want to know why no one loves you? Why all the guys you have leave you? YOUR A FUCKING WASTE. A FUCKING PSYCHOTIC BITCH WITH SO MANY FUCKING PROBLEMS, that might I mention, brought on yourself! PEOPLE LEAVE YOU BECAUSE THEY DONT HAVE THE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH YOUR PATHETIC ISSUES. I stayed around not out of love. Out of fucking pity. Fuck you. Fuck. You. I cant be here for you anymore, I wont be here. Dont fucking call me. Dont text me. Dont IM, Email, Fabo, anything. Dont think about me. IF you plan to be somewhere I might be, ask a mutual friend first. IF I die, dont show at the funeral. If my sister, mother, father, anyone passes, dont come. If I cant breathe, dont try CPR, if Im laying and dying, dont call a fucking ambulance. What Im trying to say here, is I want nothing to do with you anymore, I cant take it, its not healthy, and I want no more regrets in your name. Im not coming back. Im sick."

He was teary eyed, red as a tomatoe, and he could barely breathe. He could barely stand.

"The games you play, the gray area...You've broken my heart more times than I can count, and I always came back, I always tried. I cant anymore. And I wont."

She looked at him, and looked away, she was in tears, she had no idea. Now she did.

The waiter came back overr to the table, oblivious to what had just happened.

"Can I get you guys a to-go box, some dessert, how was everything?"

The man looked at the waiter, then glanced at her. Reached in his pocket, thew out a hundred dollar bill.

 "Im done."

Its funny, I cant tell if shes being flirty with me, or just friendly.

But I have really enjoyed chatting with her all day.

Not my type by any means, but, who knows.

Might as well have a ball, pick a testicle.

I've started to almost feel like the East-West rivarly in hip-hop over the 90's was very similar to a Shakespearean tragedy.

I'll touch back on this more when I have time to really be coherent on why I feel that way.

Been kind of talking to a new chick, really more of just catching up, but there seems to be some kind of chemistry there.

Its strange, we've known each other since we were kids. But I dunno, theres alot in common, not gonna try to persue anything but some good company. See where it goes.

I've been catching up with alot of people I haven't talked to since high school, its kind of neat.

And people wonder why I love Ice-T

Hmm

Well, Booker T came back, I was just out on the phone, then outta nowhere, he appeared, so, I fixed the gate again, and boom, here he is.

I think he went down to the creek below my house, cause hes muddy as hell.

Storm

Its strange, the weather tonight.

A warm day, almost feels like a prerequisite to Summer, but something is missing, I can't figure out what.

Booker T escaped and ran off today, hopefully he'll come back, I like that dog.

I write, but nothing hits the page I want it to. Nothing comes out the way I mean it anymore.

I used to be great at getting my point across. I'm too apologetic these days.

I'm on a boat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9zKJ5nNC18

Rock and roll and rolls and rocks.

Ive started to really think teaching could be my calling.

I have an unnerving need to make sure people are ok, or to help people through things at all times.

I like to think, that maybe, that constant need to help that Ive felt since I can remember, would make me succeed at teaching.

I started this blog just as the most random thing I can post in.

Share my thoughts, videos, ideas.

Maybe its just the babbling of a truly lonely man.

Maybes its the guidelines to a master plan Ive wanted to orchestrate.

I havent talked to her since sunday, and for some reason, Im almost worried.

Im sure shes just been working and busy, but shit.

I shake when I shiver. And I think about her more and more and I question whether its healthy.

I find myself re-evaluating who I really trust in my life, and who I feel like I unconditionally care about, and really, who does the same for me.

It was very made very apparent, that one of my oldest friends apparently doesnt have the same amount of care or respect for me, as I have for him our entire lives. But I suppose if he needed a small victory, then by all means, he deserves it.

But, I can't help but laugh to myself, as I completely took this incident in stride, and in reality, it doesnt bother me one bit as I thought it would.

I re-evaulate my plans.

I know what I need to do.

I woke up at a decent time today, and I was actually on time for work up at the shop today.

It was a strange feeling, as I woke up feeling almost rested, and ready for the day.

I ran alot of errands, and found myself scooting around town with the windows down, and the sunroof open, taking a few extra minutes at everywhere I stopped at, just to see how others days were going, or how they were doing.

And when I got back to work, I ended up helping Brice with his homework, it made me realize how lucky I was as a child, not to sound cocky, but I was a lot smarter than he was at that age, I remember being able to solve some of the stuff faster at that age. But, the kid really tries, and that is alot more than I can ever say I did at that age.

What bothers me the most, is that no matter how good my days are, I still feel empty once I get home.

Maybe, thats why I try not to be at home that often.

Im missing something.

Im missing some real love, or sense of worth.

I havent felt like Ive had either in a long time now, and that everytime I find myself nearly touching it, somehow, I let it go.

I notice though, I have a tendency these days of being more genuine, and more open from the get go, of offering everything I have, even if I dont.

I jump head first, when I used to dip my foot in the pool.

Although, I got a nice Grecian Hookah last night.

Mike just called me up and said "Hey, Im cleaning out my closets, and I gotta get rid of that old Hookah I had, you want it"

Now I just need somethin to put in it.

Smell my dick wait a minute, hold up

See thats how a bitch get her eye swole up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh3AmPFArVc

Oh my Darling

I really think if shes says no, Im going to have to tell her I cant speak to her for a while.

I have my doubts.

Maybe its time for me to really make a change.

As in, something completely new, somewhere completely new, a new plan.

I have a feeling the next paycheck I get is going to go to school applications in full.

I got the first ticket I've had in 3 years this morning.

Lol, 56 in a 45.

Funny thing was, he clocked me on 20 right by Woodward Mill, and didnt pull me over until the Hamilton Mill exit on 85N. I honestly thought he'd clocked me on the highway, and I was flying as I got on 85, but, he was pretty nice, said he actually clocked me at 60, but knocked it down a few mph so I wouldn't get any points, which was nice, as I really didn't want my insurance going up over that small of a speeding ticket.

Wes, stop thinking.

Obsession is a young mans game.

Love is a doing verb

Fearless on my breath.

Shes all I've thought about all day.

I asked Matt what he thought about her and I.

He told me that in reality, he wouldn't worry about me, but more about her dicking me over.

But he voiced a genuine support it seemed.

It scares me, the thought, but Im starting to think its gone too far to turn back now.

Theres not a doubt in my mind that I love that girl. Not a doubt.

Thursday sealed the deal. I know we look good together, ha.

I know I look at her differently than about any woman thats ever been in my life.

We look each other in the eyes when we speak.

I know there is something there.

But I can't let myself get my hopes up.

Honestly, Im not the man I used to be

I cant shrug it off if nothing happens.

This is eating me up.

It really is.

The anticipation of getting something Ive wanted for almost 4 years now.

Or knowing its going to be another heartbreak.

I just wonder how much sincerity was in the conversations we've shared over the weekend.

Sanctified

We talk more and more.

Through the late night, and into the early morning.

She tells me she thinks we should try it.

I tell her she can have whatever she likes.

She tells me shes not sure if its a good idea.

I tell her I know shes right for me, and that I'll do whatever it takes to make it work.

She tells me she wants to, but is afraid of the drama that everyone will have, or whether she'll have the courage to face alot of people cause of her occupation, or of me.

I tell her I can care less about those people, and Ill have her back when she needs to face them.

She tells me I'm protective.

I want to tell her I love her.

I told her today the main reason I left highschool the way I did.

She told me she wanted to yell at me, but couldnt.

She says I make her happy in some way she can't explain, and I'm the person she always wants to talk to at 3am and that she feels better when she does.

I tell her how to this day, I still always hope its her when I hear my phone late at night.

She asks me that if we try, if Im ok with keeping it on the low for a little while just to see if it really works.

I tell her whatever she wants, Ill do.

She tells me that it scares the hell out of her to not have me as much of a friend like when I was with Kel, that she didn't realize what I meant to her until I wasn't there. That she wished she'd treated me better over the years.

I tell her its all ok. We're even. I tell her that regardless of what happened with her and I, I'm always going to have her back, I've always tried to, even when I shouldn't/couldn't have. 

This thing with her and I seems to have gotten alot more real, way fast.

But, I cant let this time slip away.

But its not my call, its up to her, I'd just like to feel like her first choice for once.

Theres so many shades of gray

But its all black and white,

what I want tonight.

This all would potentially kill me.

I know it would.

And for once, Im ok with that, competely.

"If she says come inside Ill come inside for her.

If she says give it all Ill give everything to her."

It amazes me the honesty her and I share sometimes.

Or really, just how confused I think we both are at times.

Its comforting.

Shes comforting.

She put a genuine smile on my face, and as she said, she has the pics to prove it, heh.

I like to keep my head up about 09.

As Vito and I talked about it tonight, things can only improve, and we can only improve.

We all make mistakes.

"And this is why we don't do what we used to do, boys."