Smokey bars and broken hearts.

All that I want anymore is for things to get back to normal.
But not the normal it was.
I just want her here again.
I miss the hell out of sleeping beside her every night, the little talks.
I don't want it the way we were. It was shitty. I was shitty, I treated her like she was nothing at times, I never made her feel as special as she made me feel. I should have proposed to her when I picked her up at the airport, when she was wearing that dress just for me, when we kissed like we'd not seen each other in years, when I'd never been so excited to get home with someone. Not for the sex, not for the things like that, but because I'd never felt so lonely before, and when she came back, it was a breath of fresh air, a calm after a storm. The person I needed to feel whole again. I want to be good to her like I've wanted to be and wouldn't let myself. I want to hold her high, let her meet my family, all of my other friends, I want to put a ring on her finger, I want to make plans for our future, not just my own. I want to make the world jealous because of how together and happy we are. I want to watch the world burn, and hold her hand while we witness it.

I know that I'd die for her, and when her time comes, I'd pray to die with her.

And I fucking threw it away over vanity and what others thought of our relationship. It's rare I've let others cause me to form an opinion of what I loved, who I loved, and for some reason, I let it get to me.

I disgust myself due to it. And really, its a very real probability that I won't be with her again.

Not knowing if her and I will be together again is eating me a alive, and I promised myself after the first real heartbreak I had, that I'd never let myself feel this way again, that I'd never make the same mistakes, and most of all, that I'd never let another woman in like that.

But somehow, she found her way inside of me, knowing me almost better than I really know myself, knowing thing about me that I'd never openly admit, and not thinking a less of me for any of my flaws and indiscretions. She wanted nothing but me, however I came, whatever I brought with me. She's never completely given up on me, and I pray that I may have one more chance that she hasn't, so I can turn it around.

It's eating me alive, and I've honestly been talking to God wondering what will happen.
Things seem that they may work, but I never like to get my hopes up about anything anymore at all.

In the words of my brother, and best friend:

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But in the end, don't expect a goddamned thing."

I can't take another loss due to my own stupidity again, I can't loose another piece of myself like I've lost before. Call it desperation, call it what you will, but I physically, mentally, I can't do it again, and I will not.

The thought of her with anyone but me makes me physically ill. Worse than anything I've ever felt.

Coming to the realization that I have pushed away every person who has ever really given a shit about me.

Trying to stay occupied.

atmosphere- feel good hit of the summer 2

Ya know.

My crazy cousin is right.

Why the hell should we be trying so damn hard to be the strait and good guys.

It's never been who we are, its never been in our blood.

Why the fuck don't we embrace it.

Fuck it, I am evil somedays, I am a true lowlife, I am a hellraising son of a bitch.

Old Wes is about to start kicking back in.

This has to have been the most surreal experience of my life.

Pure

Fun

Something I haven't had in a long time.

For the past few months, its been the same old shit daily, nightly.

Nothing.

Goddamnit, this is eating at me.

One look, and I would have called it all off, the last year, out the window, and no regret.

I think I need a night or two to myself soon

"I don't know, play darts? Listen to Jim Croce? Whatever the hell you white people do"

Jim Croce : Box #10

I've been tossing and turning.

Pacing her floors

Over and over.

Get up, get some water

Lay back down.

I shake, and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest for some strange reason.

It's starting to get to me

that feeling that just maybe, I need someone else aside from myself for an unselfish reason, just because I want her around for good.

It's that sickening feeling in my gut again, a feeling I haven't felt in years. That feeling that knowing if something happened to her, I would probably loose it.

Fuck it. I would loose it.

*this was a section of text I removed, as it may show how legitimately crazy I feel like I've been becoming*

But when I look at it, it feels like she makes me whole again.

This is something I am not used to

That I haven't felt in 2 or 3 years now.

It's driving me up the wall tonight, this morning, whichever you want to call it.

I haven't let someone this far in in a long time.

Hell, I haven't admitted to letting someone in.

I haven't physically felt like I needed anyone like this.

It's a feeling I've been searching for for a while now.

And it's a feeling that I absolutely despise and love at the same time.

Just something to do on a Friday

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of this. Not bad for one take of guitar, and one take of vocals

Jeff Mangum - Engine, 10.19.08

Whats a molotov cocktail to never break the glass?

Well, alls well that ends well.

On to the next one.

So, I got put on Zoloft.

I never thought I'd end up needing anti-depressants.

I wont lie, I'm kind of ashamed of it.

These highs and lows are beginning to become too much for me.
The alcohol always clouds my judgement.

It's hard to explain sometimes, how I go from on top of the world, to completely apathetic, to completely miserable.

Lately, I'm reliving some good times I recall the most through summer albums.

Catch for us the Foxes
Paper Hanger.

Urban Legend
-Kelly Alderman, first real crush, first girl I was persistent over, the first prize of a woman I ever had, even if it was just for a day or two. It's funny how close we used to be sometimes. And even funnier that we don't even talk anymore.

King
-When I realized I wasn't invincible anymore, but I could deal with it, because I didn't care. What you know as loud as my stereo in my RSX would blast.

Future Sex/Love Sounds
- The first real love I've ever known. Hell, sometimes I think it was the only.

The Black Album
- Driving as fast as some of us could through Johns Creek, Lucifer on repeat, My first song always being the night cap.


With Teeth
- There one was night, I hit triple digits coming north on 141 from 285, at that strait a way near the Ingles. All the love in the World as loud as it would go through the breakdown.

I'm sure there is more.
I'm sure there is.

It's hard for me to comprehend sometimes that things change, and that I don't have any control over them.

Whats harder, if for me to accept the things that I cannot change.

In my mind, I could save the world.

In my mind, I should save the world.

But at the end of the day, I let my fears get the best of me. I've tried more and more over the last 2 years to work on it. God knows I try.

Maybe I just take myself too seriously.

I pray, as in I talk to God, that I'm doing the right things.

That I'm not setting myself up.

Come on in my kitchen

It's amazing the parallels that my father and I seem to have.

It's comforting in a way.

today is one of those days I dont have much to say, or to really mention.

Lately, I can't really figure out what it is that gets me through the days.

Sometimes it's best not to say what you really want to say.
Half drunk, and I can't sleep.

Magic.

I always have fun.

And I always think.

I'm happy we met.
It's the first time I don't question one's sincerity.
I trust her.

When the mirror speaks, the reflection lies.

So many thoughts have been running through my head the past few days.

But, I'm glad I can talk to my father sometimes.
Its nice to come home, and say "Hey pop, get in", and just drive around Gainesville and talk about things.

Something like a phenomena, baby

Cant even really put it all into words sometimes. But there is something significant to me about watching the sun rise on I-285 after I take her home.

I've stopped trying to make sense of it.
But its real, its raw, and I love every fucking minute.
It's like I told her last night, shes the only person that has ever taken me completely out of my comfort zone, and I haven't felt completely out of place, in fact I don't at all. I have a legitimate blast with her. Everytime.


I'm sure I sound silly, really.

But its a strange motivation I get from her.

She has a pure entrepreneur spirit, something I've never seen in a woman I've met my entire life. Thats such a beautiful quality. It honestly impresses me. Among other things.

I used to feel like I had it in me years ago, I've been itching to put it to use.

I realize with this new Hyundai dealership opening, that the one I work at will end up failing miserably, period. And I realize that I may be out of a job there by the end of the year. So with that being said, I have to get my options open again. Get my self out there. Get my shit rolling.

I called into work today.
Between the flu I think I've had, no sleep, and my stomach being in knots, I decided I needed just a day to rest and reflect.

I haven't really cried in a long time.
I haven't had a panic attack in a long time.
I haven't had my stomach feel like it dropped out of me like that in a long time.

I've never had a woman put me into my own perspective.
Her and I had a wonderful evening.
Shes perfect in a fucked up way, thats all I can say.
I don't know how I feel about it all. I dont know what to make of things.


I've never met someone to put me into perspective like that.
and completely made me rethink who the fuck I am on that level.


I've never been scared to death and completely drawn to someone at the same time.
I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I feel like I was meant to meet her.
I was meant to be drawn to her.
Like there was meant to have something there.

This is the way the world ends.

By far the strangest evening I've ever had.

2-14-10: Turks in rare form.

I don't know how to relive last night, but the Turk boys were in rare form.

I love the Tree, I think its the only bar that we'll never get kicked out of. We drank, and stayed merry.
Lexi is still my favorite bartender in the world, and honestly, shes a really great person, in my eyes.

I dunno, its strange, I think I have a kind of crush on her. But its not the typical kind, but she really intrigues me. Good taste in music, good taste in cars, and a total badass. I feel like a bit of an idiot though, I should have realized that when she asked me to take her home, it would have been a great time to get to know her more. I wanted to leave with her, I didn't expect anything but good conversation mostly. What I didnt realize until after we ended up at a 43 year old cougar's apartment that I had to strike up a one night relationship with, was that she really just wanted me to chill with her.

Just me, to come kick it. I don't know how in the world I didn't pick up on that, or really, I don't know how the fuck I didnt go for it. I think truthfully, I wasnt too drunk to drive, but I didn't want anything to happen to her in the event hell broke loose. I just hope we do end up hanging out at some point this week. Shes cooler than most. I didnt want to admit it, but the fact that her of all women wanted to kick it with just me like that, really meant alot, I dunno why either. I mean it really touched me kinda. Stunned. And I felt like such a jackass, because I was too busy doing my normal game spitting boyish charm prove I can get whatever I want persona, when really, I would have rather ended up just watching tv with her, hell, I get excited when she texts me through the day just to bullshit with me. Something about charming blue eyed girls.

I know I romanticize things way too much, ha.

Anyways, enough of that.

South and I nearly had a barfight with some jealous 40+-past his prime-want to be somebody-fuck, when he asked about my haircut, I knew what he was going for, but I just answered with a simple "Oh, the same lady has done it for the last 15 years, what about yours? I like the touch of grey combback" and when he started on South, cousin was ready to roar. "You look like your gonna go bald" -"Atleast I have hair on my nuts, fucker" "Well your gonna end up getting fat" "Hey, fuck you you fucking faggot (as the guy walks away) COME BACK OVER HER YOU FUCKING PUNK, CMON FAGGOT" As Robyn egged him on in a way, he was mad that we had the charm, and he didnt. Punk, ha.

I also tried to fight Lexi's boyfriend, or atleast kept telling her how I planned to whoop his fucking ass if he kept glaring at us.


I dunno, as high as my cousin was, and as out of of drunk mixed with flu symptoms I have, I am surprised we made it home. I really am. I mean, we ended up in Smyrna at like 6am lost after leaving the shire. It was a hell of a night. One to go down in the books.

But I will say, the strangest thing of the evening, was how I prayed before I went to sleep. I fell asleep at Lexi's on her couch for a bit, and when I woke up, I was like in a cold sweat almost, head ringing, just ringing. I couldn't see strait at all. I didnt know what happened. The ride home was the same, and when we finally made it back, and I grabbed a sheet out of the closet and laid on the couch, I was burning up, as in Im sure I was running a high fever, I'd never felt that way before. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was anxiety, maybe I just had more on my mind than I realized.

But I prayed. I prayed to God, Babbled, on and on, how I know he's there, and how I was sorry we haven't been on the best of terms, but I knew he was watching, and to please just let me wake up today, let me not die in my sleep, or go into a coma or something. Just to get me through the early morning nap I had. That I was sorry that I'm a drunk, a liar, and borderline crazy. That I was sorry for the things I've done. That I was honestly scared I was going to die on that couch, when things really seem o be looking up again. that I didnt want to go.

And oddly enough, I woke up at about 10:20 this morning, feeling like a million bucks.

If I've ever spoke to God, and thought he spoke back, today was the day.

Summer is only a few months away.

Write write write. Play play play.

As Paul told me "Play til your hands bleed."

How the hell did I get here?
To drinking alone on a monday.

Something's gotta give.

Don't ask me why I smoke, I don't know.
But I drink to get drunk.

Clean up before she comes.

I'm not sure whats been wrong with me lately.
More and more, I can't concentrate on anything, or focus my attention.

I find myself snapping at people more and more lately, and lonelier than ever.
I really think there is something the matter with me, theres a devil and a god raging inside me, and I can't seem to focus on things at all. But I have my days sometimes, where everything is smooth, and I'm on top of my shit. Then other days, I can't get it together at all.
I'm getting sloppy.
I've been like this for a while.


I keep thinking I have cancer, and I've been having nightmares of mutual friends dying, as in, I wake up and have to check Facebook and shit to see if theres any "RIP" statuses. No close friends, just buddies I run into at parties and shit.

I keep getting these sick feelings, like randomly though the day, its like my stomach drops out, and I cant decide if Im going to vomit or faint.

It worries me though.

But the one thing that has really gotten to me lately, is that I havent thought about suicide in a long time. I really havent, I've just been in the shade looking for the sun, so to speak, and lately, all I want is for it to stay dark.


I wish it was 2005 again. May. When Nine Inch Nails were playing 2 nights in a row at the Tabernacle. When I was sure I knew what love was. When I was sure I knew who friends were. When I was sure about what I was about. I hated everything about myself. I was unhealthy, unhealthy, white as a ghost. I was miserable, and I wanted to die. But I had alot of fun, and I made my own rules. I cared unconditionally. I had alot to teach, and even more to learn, and all the time in the world, and money didn't matter. I didnt have the time that had passed me by. I didnt feel the way I do now then.

Time keeps blurring and blurring.

It's funny lately, my phone keeps getting more numbers of people I can call when I'm bored or want to go out, but there are less and less people I care to call.