I enjoy spending time with my Dad.

We went to the guitar shop today, got some dinner, and just drove around for a bit, it's nice when its just Dad and I having some time to catch up and chat about random shit.

I asked him today what he thought about me moving out and whatnot, and I asked him "Dad, did you ever have one girl you knew before mom that you really think you would have been happier ending up with?"

"Yeah"

"What happened?"

"I just wasn't ready to settle down then.."

"Well, what fucked it up, you, or her?"

"Me"

"Why?"

"I couldnt have just one."

I'm not sure why, but that was probably one of the most comforting conversations he and I have ever had.

I'm feeling good.

What did my day consist of?

Work, and sharing perfect weather with pretty ladies.

Angel left wing, right wing broken wing.

Sometimes, I wish I didnt have the quiet times at night, where I think too much.

Things would be alot smoother.
Simpler.
Happier.

But, I'm on a good streak, so, I gotta keep on keepin' on, and keep my head up.

Oh

I can feel it.
Starting to burn at both ends again.
But I really do enjoy this new job.

All I can say, is sometimes, maybe you have to burn at both ends constantly to be successful, and I'm starting to think I can't be comfortable anymore to get what I want and where I want to be.

MGMT

Fun day at work.
I feel like I'm starting to get it. Atleast, learning the computer shit fast and where everything is, and trying to work with better speed and whatnot.

I just gotta keep trying to get it down over this week, I just want to be more comfortable as I do things there as to not feel like a fish out of water.

I talked to her a bit today. I somewhat doubt anything would really happen, but I really want to get to know her, without being completely inebriated. I didnt realize that Phaladone and her kind of had a thing back in the day/now, so, I don't want to jump in that mix, but her friend that was pretty cool likes whiteboys apparently, haha. I dunno, maybe it was a thunderbolt, maybe I was drunk, who knows.

I dunno, I'm trying to make it a point to not be as scared and nervous in crowds, and maybe get back to feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

Leaving it up to chance, really, and I guess just trying to somewhat put myself out there, and taking what happens with a grain of salt.

As much as I hate to quote this movie.

But I'm coming to realize.
Life's simple. You make choices, and you don't look back.
I've got to stop staring at the world in my rearview.

I'm just hoping the real feeling of self-worth will begin to come with the way I prioritize things.
Just getting money put back, hopefully the house deal will work out by Christmas, and school by New Years.

I just really feel like things are falling into place in a way.

What makes me laugh, is that this is the first time in my life I've made it a point to wake up in the morning, and be on time.

So

So I had my first 2 days of work. So far, I really enjoy it, I'm not sure if its cause of the new of it, or what, but I do like it alot, as well as the people I work with so far. Got a good 15 hours in between those two days, found out I'm gonna have a nice 8-5 schedule, possible overtime some weeks I hope. In 90 days I can get health insurance, which I'm really excited for.

Partied last night. Hard, didnt plan to even, but I showed up and 3 minutes in, we're drinking rum strait out of the bottle, and Michael starts pouring it up like its going outta style. I'm not sure what all I drank, but I know I had a bottle of wine, like, the big bottle of Sutter Home, ha.

Good Lord, I've never been so drunk. We got crunk as fuck, I danced, played guitar, we all got on some philosophical shit with each other, and apparently I passed out on a pool table, lol, which could explain my my shoulders hurt this morning.

I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, we talked for a bit, but I was so drunk all I could do was tell her as honest as I could be, how beautiful I thought she was. I mean really, she was like a mix od Lucy Lu and like, I don't know, but from the second I got there, all I kept thinking was just how gorgeous she was.

But, we swapped numbers and whatnot, no idea if we'd end up hanging out some more or anything, but, I want to get to know her. I dunno, I know she wasn't nearly as drunk as I was, and we seemed to get along well, we layed outside and looked at the stars together, I still babbled about how stunned by her I was, and that whatever she wanted, I'd do.

Ya know how in The Godfather when Michael Corleone meets Apollonia, and he stops dead in his tracks? His bodyguards say that he's just been hit by a thunderbolt.

That was me last night.


I really don't think I could have sent the summer off in a better way.

I started the new job.
I like the people, alot.


But what I realize, is that maybe this is me finally beginning to pick up the pieces the right way.

They tell you your supposed to do something everyday that scares you.
I did today.
I showed up.

Maybe this is step one for me.

I can't wait for that first paycheck. Sucks that I wont get it for two weeks, but, I'm hoping I can have alot of my shit paid off by Oct 1st.

I dunno, I'm just trying to take the necessary steps to get the ball rolling to what I want to be doing a year from now.

I'm not making crazy money, but it would be enough to get by with a roomate if needed, it would be enough to take care of myself, which is where I want to be first and foremost.

I also was told that Rick Case offers tuition reimbursement depending on what I go to school for, which is awesome. Sucks because what I'd want to do in medical I don't think they'd pay for, but, I need to look into it. If worse came to worse, I might just get hired at Publix again 10 hrs a week to get their reimbursement.

It will also be nice to have health insurance again in 90 days.

I feel like they all kinda like me though, or that they have high hopes for me. That they have faith in my abilities and that I can do a good job for them. I'm hourly for now, but apparently once I get out of being trained and doing more gruntwork, and get to awesome status on the ADP system, I may be salary + commission, just depends on what my base salary is if I'd want to switch for that.

I'm just making it a point to be early, to try to learn as much as I can, and to ask as many questions and double check everything. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get more hands on stuff. But regardless, I'm trying to work as much as I can for this first pay periost trd just to have that first check be as fat as possible, I just have to be tight on cash until then, and once I'm debt free, I'll be happy, maybe start building my S13 again, or maybe pick up a new car to do the way I want.

Just trying to stay as optimistic as I can, and to not get ahead of myself.

I want to get out of my house, but I know the smartest thing I can do for now is just to save some money until the end of the year, once all my debts are paid, I can make that decision.

I wish sometimes I could meet someone I click with.

I saw Funny People tonight

But its like Steph said.

I wont be happy with anyone else until I figure out how to be happy with myself.

When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.


I've felt like I'm starting from scratch alot lately.
As in, Its hard for me to focus my energy into anything without obsessing over it.
I over analyze, question how I'll make it happen, how I'll make it work, how I'll get through.


My biggest downfall is my fear when it comes down to it.
Love is nothing, scared of success.

The reason I listen to so much music isnt that I'm a musician.
Its because something I feel like my bedroom or the inside of one of my many cars is the only sanctuary I have.
The reason I drive so much is I'm scared to hop out of my comfort zone sometimes.
Im developing agoraphobia, I honestly think that.
I'm developing a fear of everything that I used to be.
I'm not sure what happened, but some days I really feel like a fish out of water.
I shake, I feel dizzy.

Ya know how your heart flutters when you hear the name of someone you never got over? Or how your stomach feels like it collapses when you remember something you'd rather forget?

Thats been happening to me on a daily basis as of late.

Not the panic attacks that I used to get. Its more of an uncontrollable anger, that I just have to sit still for a moment and collect myself before I destroy anything, its like I have to talk to myself just to get anywhere. I can't take silence. And I can't stand alot of noise. I've began to sleep better alone, whatever that means.

Apathy is the glove into which the Devil slips his hand, and Idle hands do the Devil's work. Sometimes I feel like I'm two for two on that one, or hell, that I care way too much.

I need to see a doctor in all honesty, sometimes I worry about my health, I have strange aches occasionally, I feel like I don't have the dexterity I used to. I keep fearing I have cancer or leukemia sometimes. I know something isnt right with me, I know its not, whether its all in my mind or there could be something killing me.

I'm scared shitless to go though, honestly I don't want to know if I have a timecard on my head.

I talk to John about these things sometimes, just because hes the only person I feel like I can relate this fear I have to. Then it reminds me I'm pretty sure I'll bury my brother before he gets to bury me. Kind of how I worry about my Dad being in a wheelchair in a few years.

I wonder sometimes if I'd just get some Adderall or some Zoloft if everything would be better. I tried this over a year ago, no medication knowing damned well I needed it just so I could feel better about myself for handling something in my mind on my own, what a fucking fool I was, as I feel like things have been getting worse.

I just keep praying I make it to 21 in one piece. Maybe that will open the doors I'm looking for.
Or it will be my racetrack to hell.

Speaking of, I need to get Lucy operable, start entering some of the SEDA events, maybe a new hobby like that would make me feel better.


All I want is a fucking purpose. A purpose that gets me out of bed in the morning. I don't feel like that's alot to ask for, and truthfully I don't feel like I ask for much out of most people.



Make me feel alive again.


Really though, I think I'd be content with being someone elses reason they feel alive, or someone elses reason that they wake up in the morning.
I miss having the credit of being everything to someone that I cared about as well.

I think maybe, I'm just missing some validation, or a real pat on the back, as childish as it sounds.

I dread the Cold.

Some mornings I wake up, and I really wonder what keeps me here in Ga.
As in, if I got offered a job somewhere else why I would be hesitant to take it.
Really, some mornings I wake up and wonder why the fuck I didnt blow my head off the night before.


I think Im too hard on myself sometimes.
And that I really have a problem with never being satisfied.

I need meds.


I need to meet a new woman
That I know nothing about
That I might actually care about.
And that might actually care about me.