There's a beauty in simplicity.

I wish I could decide what I love more.
Chaos or grace.

Lacey and I polished off a bottle of 100proof SoCo last night. I've never woken up with a worse hangover in my life, or felt more like shit throughout my day.

But it was fun, spent most of the day banging out car audio at work. And I finally got my feedback out of my system in the integra.

Cougars

I had a fun monday at work
Hectic, but I got to ride a nice Honda ATV around the back roads today.

I had a nice lady customer try and hook me up with her niece

What made it funny though, is that I find Karen, (a woman in her mid 30's whos sweet as can be, and just plain out funny) to be extremely attractive. Shes one of those women that you know say, 15 years ago, was down right beautiful, but still is very attractive these days. Nice figure, amazing eyes, and shes just funny and kinda scatterbrained, but its cute as can be. Shes one of those types that if I was her age, and she was single, I'd work every bit of my charm I have on her. Seriously.

She asked me if I was dating anyone, I said something like that, and she asked me "Would you like to meet my niece? Shes about 5'8, slim, red hair, gorgeous, spoiled, but she really likes guys that work hard, and you are just a really nice guy, she loves curly hair and your so cute, she would love you"

And I almost slipped up and said "Well Karen, if shes half as easy on the eyes as you, I'd love to meet her"

But, I didnt want to sound like a creeper.
I think I've developed a school boy crush in a way, heh.

But I will say, if that woman divorced, I would try my ass off to take her out atleast once.

Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down.


"When you love 3 women, its hard keepin up with lies."

She said something out of the blue to me saturday night.
Not sure if it was just a metaphor, or something more.
But its been on my mind the last few weeks.

Everytime I look at Courtney, I feel like I waste my time more and more, or care less and less. And that maybe I just still pursue her not because I even want her, but more that Ive never had her, that I need a simple yes from her, so I can get it out of my system.
I've realized, Im not content nor happy with a friendship, and shes completely right. We'd never work. Im starting to realize that. And for the first time with any chick Ive ever cared for, I'm ok with that.

Randi is way too good to me. She really puts an effort for me to be hers. Goes out of her way, comes to me, anything to put a smile on my face. Big hearts break easy.
It worries me though, just the things that go through my mind.

I know what the right thing to do is.
I cant decide if it is what I should do.
Or if I am wrong all in all.

I suppose, as honest as I can be. All I'm doing is chasing the feeling of a long gone first love.
And that feeling will never happen again as it did before. And I can accept that.

So I work hard, I work all day, and continue to have a daylong battle with myself about what I beleive is true, and what is bullshit. I try and spend time with those that matter, forget those that don't, and progress forward.

Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.

She
Frustrates
Me.


Oh, my beautiful liar.
Oh, my precious whore.
My disease, my infection.
I am so impure.

.

Sometimes, I feel like I run out of things to say.

I've been super busy at work so far this week.
As in, nonstop banging out car after car, over and over.
I hope my check ends up being fatty fat come monday.
I've just been making it a point to be as productive as possible this week.
Got bills to pay, ha. And shit I want.

I dunno, I hope to have a couple of weeks like this. And Im counting on the money rolling in.
Come June, I'll put in a hellaovertime week, and take a week off.

I think I somewhat found a song that describes how I feel about her.

She said that she still wants a friendship
She cant live her life without me as a friend
I cant figure out why I'd give a damn to what she wants
I dont understand the now before the then

Most of this garbage I write
That these people seem to like
Is about you
And how I let you infect my life
And if they got to know you
I doubt that they would see it
They'd wonder what i showed you
How you could leave it
A friend in Chicago said that I should stay persistant
If I stay around, im bound to break resistance
Fuck you lucy for defining my existance
Fuck you and your differences

Ever since I was a young lad
With a part time dad
It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had
I studied my mother
I digested her pain
And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same
Travel like sound across the fate ladder
I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter
And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch
Its like that
Thank you very much
Fuck you very much

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Fuck the what happend
I got stuck
They can peel pieces of me off the grill of her truck
Used to walk with luck
Used to hold her hand
Fell behind and played the role of a slower man
I wanna stand on top of this mountain and yell
I wanna wake up and break up this lake of hell
I feel like a bitch for letting the sheet twist me up
The last star fighter is wounded time to give it up
On a pick it up mission
Kept it bitter
Getting in a million memories just to forget her
The difficulty in keeping emotions controlled
Cookies for the road
Took me by the soul
Hunger for the drama
Hunger for the nurture
Gonna take it further
The hurt feels like murder
Interperate
The eyes
Read the lines on her face
The sunshine is fake
How much time did i waste?
Fuck you lucy for leaving me
Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is
And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Do I sound mad?
Well I guess im a little pissed
Every action has a point
Five points make a fist
You close em
You swing em
It hurst when it hits
And the truth can be a bitch
But if the boot fits
I got an idea
You should get a tatoo that says warning
Thats all, just a warning
So the potential victim
Can take a left and safe breath
And avoid you
Sober and upset in the morning
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover
(Fuck you)

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Yes
Yes it is

And everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love
Everyone in his life would mistake it as love

Leave never would you, you show could I if.....

Cold

I think I have the flu or something.

I love Everlast.

Wow. And it hit me.

I just had the worst realization I think I ever have.


I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life.
And I'm scared shitless of going back to school.
I mean literally, scared shitless, just the thought of affording it, and making myself go, and getting my shit together, and working on a long term goal is making me physically sick. It's like the physical sickness of getting your heartbroken, where you feel like you can't breath, and the "What do I fucking do now" feeling.

I am scared out of my fucking mind.

I can't keep working like I do.
I can't keep this cycle going, because I'm starting to realize that the more I keep doing the same thing the less likely I am to ever move forward.

I usually don't let my fears really hold me back.

But I am scared shitless.

Maybe I'm just disapointed that I didnt start college right after I graduated, or that I didnt go to some huge school and live on campus and whatnot. Maybe I'm disapointed that I feel like I
'm stuck in some fucking rut that I cant get myself out of.

Or maybe its just the stress of money right now, and how everything at home is.

But the more I think about it.

I used to not plan on living past my mid 20's. And now, I'm realizing I probably will, or somewhat want to. But I never really planned ahead at all in my life. I always planned on going out with a bang young. Atleast, I always hoped for that fate.

I'm just scared, I'm going to keep getting older and watch all of my friends do bigger and better things, and me still be doing the same shit. That I went from the fun one to the liability to the wasted fucking potential. I'm a capable sonofabitch, and I've had tons of opportunities to do great things, but for some reason I've never been able to take them. Im scared I'm going to end up at 25 with a son or daughter that I can't spoil rotten and do all the things I want to do when/if I ever have children. I dont want to end up feeling how my father does everyday, a constant disapointment.

I know what I'm good at,
-I'm personable
-I can be professional as hell
-I like makin people laugh
-I have a tendency to make people trust me from the first time they meet me
-I can charm my way into just about anything when I really want.
-I'm a true do it yourselfer
-I like making a difference in people's lives, or a lasting [good] impression.
-I tell good stories.



But what I'm good at isnt going to get the money I want per year.
I've really been considering law school, but I crack under pressure too easily.
I'd love to be a teacher, but the money is shit starting out
Fireman? Would be hard to have a family.
Cop? Most hated job in the world
Doctor? I couldnt afford to go to school for it even if I wanted.



But Ive realized, money really isnt everything.
The fuck am I saying? Everything is about the money.

Just like TPain

I'm starting to find a large contempt towards myself.

Things are looking up and I can't deny it.
But this is not what I wanted and how I wanted this year to go so far.

Im going to start looking for another job.
Honestly, working on cars is starting to ruin the hobby aspect for me.

I need to go back to school and get a real degree, and stop having some self righteous reason for not going back yet.

Honestly, its the fear of it. And the uncertainty of what I want for a career. The fear of wasting time.

I drove the Teg around tonight.
It really took me back to being 16 again.

4709

I hate to admit that I do actually like her.
Alot.

I mentioned

I told her that we should hang out and talk.

I've spent a decent portion of today trying to decide how I want to go about saying what I think needs to be said.
Or if it really does need to be said.
Or if I should just roll with the punches and keep my mouth shut.

Quite frankly, I'm insulted.

And Quite frankly, Im nervous.

The Real World season finale somewhat disappointed me.

I hate not being able to sleep when I want/should.

I hate everything I think about.

I've thought about her alot.
About how there's alot of things that I want to say, but don't for good reason.


I realized that one of my biggest problems, is my inability to let go of the past and really move forward. As in, most of the women from my past seem to have a piece of me, and sometimes I feel like I've lost most of what used to make me, myself.


Fast cars and abandoned friendships.