When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.


I've felt like I'm starting from scratch alot lately.
As in, Its hard for me to focus my energy into anything without obsessing over it.
I over analyze, question how I'll make it happen, how I'll make it work, how I'll get through.


My biggest downfall is my fear when it comes down to it.
Love is nothing, scared of success.

The reason I listen to so much music isnt that I'm a musician.
Its because something I feel like my bedroom or the inside of one of my many cars is the only sanctuary I have.
The reason I drive so much is I'm scared to hop out of my comfort zone sometimes.
Im developing agoraphobia, I honestly think that.
I'm developing a fear of everything that I used to be.
I'm not sure what happened, but some days I really feel like a fish out of water.
I shake, I feel dizzy.

Ya know how your heart flutters when you hear the name of someone you never got over? Or how your stomach feels like it collapses when you remember something you'd rather forget?

Thats been happening to me on a daily basis as of late.

Not the panic attacks that I used to get. Its more of an uncontrollable anger, that I just have to sit still for a moment and collect myself before I destroy anything, its like I have to talk to myself just to get anywhere. I can't take silence. And I can't stand alot of noise. I've began to sleep better alone, whatever that means.

Apathy is the glove into which the Devil slips his hand, and Idle hands do the Devil's work. Sometimes I feel like I'm two for two on that one, or hell, that I care way too much.

I need to see a doctor in all honesty, sometimes I worry about my health, I have strange aches occasionally, I feel like I don't have the dexterity I used to. I keep fearing I have cancer or leukemia sometimes. I know something isnt right with me, I know its not, whether its all in my mind or there could be something killing me.

I'm scared shitless to go though, honestly I don't want to know if I have a timecard on my head.

I talk to John about these things sometimes, just because hes the only person I feel like I can relate this fear I have to. Then it reminds me I'm pretty sure I'll bury my brother before he gets to bury me. Kind of how I worry about my Dad being in a wheelchair in a few years.

I wonder sometimes if I'd just get some Adderall or some Zoloft if everything would be better. I tried this over a year ago, no medication knowing damned well I needed it just so I could feel better about myself for handling something in my mind on my own, what a fucking fool I was, as I feel like things have been getting worse.

I just keep praying I make it to 21 in one piece. Maybe that will open the doors I'm looking for.
Or it will be my racetrack to hell.

Speaking of, I need to get Lucy operable, start entering some of the SEDA events, maybe a new hobby like that would make me feel better.


All I want is a fucking purpose. A purpose that gets me out of bed in the morning. I don't feel like that's alot to ask for, and truthfully I don't feel like I ask for much out of most people.



Make me feel alive again.


Really though, I think I'd be content with being someone elses reason they feel alive, or someone elses reason that they wake up in the morning.
I miss having the credit of being everything to someone that I cared about as well.

I think maybe, I'm just missing some validation, or a real pat on the back, as childish as it sounds.

I dread the Cold.