Living with a ghost.

Sometimes you have to lie to a good friend just to give them hope.
I don't know if it gets better.
I know it becomes easier to deal with. It becomes easier to accept.
But as for that missing spot in your stomach.
That hole in your brain
That loss of motivation
That feeling of what next?
The loss of hope?

I dont know if it gets better.

I have my days.
I've been dealing these cards to myself for close to 2 years since she left.
I've been shuffling these hands, shivering til I shake completely.
Sickening myself with my lack of confidence. Lack of love.
Lack of anything I used to hold dear.

I realized I had a best friend.
We were perfect.

I traded it all in for selfish pride.
I lost it because I couldn't come out and say "Honey, I'm wrong, and this won't happen again. I think I'm losing it, and I'm doing my best to be better." I couldn't do that, because at that time, in my mind, I couldn't be wrong. In my mind, she'd bend as far as I needed. In my mind, she wouldn't break. She did. And for once, I couldn't attempt to pick up the pieces. She didn't need me to.

Thats what I've been dealing with lately.
Thats why I'm so ornry.
I've never gotten closure, I never will.
Watching the heartbreak of my cousin brings it all back.


I sometimes wonder if I'd handled it all differently that things would have worked out.
I wonder if maybe we struck up another friendship, if in any way we could be friends, if there would be another go at things. I'm sure we're both different people than we were. As close as we were, of all the little things we used to talk about late at night, how we named our kids, dreamed up our wedding, talked about our first house, the way we'd parent our kids, the life that her and I alone, fuck everyone else, as long as we had each other, planned. I remember on the cold nights, when we'd go outside to have a cigarette, how we'd run back in as fast as we could to jump in bed, and hold each other as tight as we could to warm up. How she used to lay on my back. All of that, just gone. It still breaks my heart just like it did the day I knew it was over. It breaks my heart to wonder if it ever crosses her mind.

It breaks my heart, because I don't comprehend how people can forget that.

I wish I could speak to her for maybe 20 minutes sometime, just to catch up, if nothing else, to see how an old friend is doing. If anything, to make sure everything is going the way she planned, and as well as she wanted when we were lovers, when I held her down.

All I really want to know sometimes, is if she even remembers any of the good times. If she even for one second every now and then, thinks about me. And wonders what could have been if maybe we took another chance on each other. I know if the opportunity ever came, I wouldn't screw it up, and I really think somedays, since she left, thats the only thing I do know.

I'd do anything in the world for a second chance, just for 20 minutes of how we were when things were good.

Its so pathetic, how I keep holding on, thinking that it might happen.



It doesn't get better, I still dream of it.
I still think of it.
It's a wonder I haven't blown my brains out these past years.

All because I'm not the man I ever thought I was.