Wow. And it hit me.

I just had the worst realization I think I ever have.


I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life.
And I'm scared shitless of going back to school.
I mean literally, scared shitless, just the thought of affording it, and making myself go, and getting my shit together, and working on a long term goal is making me physically sick. It's like the physical sickness of getting your heartbroken, where you feel like you can't breath, and the "What do I fucking do now" feeling.

I am scared out of my fucking mind.

I can't keep working like I do.
I can't keep this cycle going, because I'm starting to realize that the more I keep doing the same thing the less likely I am to ever move forward.

I usually don't let my fears really hold me back.

But I am scared shitless.

Maybe I'm just disapointed that I didnt start college right after I graduated, or that I didnt go to some huge school and live on campus and whatnot. Maybe I'm disapointed that I feel like I
'm stuck in some fucking rut that I cant get myself out of.

Or maybe its just the stress of money right now, and how everything at home is.

But the more I think about it.

I used to not plan on living past my mid 20's. And now, I'm realizing I probably will, or somewhat want to. But I never really planned ahead at all in my life. I always planned on going out with a bang young. Atleast, I always hoped for that fate.

I'm just scared, I'm going to keep getting older and watch all of my friends do bigger and better things, and me still be doing the same shit. That I went from the fun one to the liability to the wasted fucking potential. I'm a capable sonofabitch, and I've had tons of opportunities to do great things, but for some reason I've never been able to take them. Im scared I'm going to end up at 25 with a son or daughter that I can't spoil rotten and do all the things I want to do when/if I ever have children. I dont want to end up feeling how my father does everyday, a constant disapointment.

I know what I'm good at,
-I'm personable
-I can be professional as hell
-I like makin people laugh
-I have a tendency to make people trust me from the first time they meet me
-I can charm my way into just about anything when I really want.
-I'm a true do it yourselfer
-I like making a difference in people's lives, or a lasting [good] impression.
-I tell good stories.



But what I'm good at isnt going to get the money I want per year.
I've really been considering law school, but I crack under pressure too easily.
I'd love to be a teacher, but the money is shit starting out
Fireman? Would be hard to have a family.
Cop? Most hated job in the world
Doctor? I couldnt afford to go to school for it even if I wanted.



But Ive realized, money really isnt everything.
The fuck am I saying? Everything is about the money.