So I went to kroger tonight, and spent like $50 on healthy groceries, and a pack of Turkish Golds.

It made me chuckle inside

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

I realized tonight something strange.

I really dont care about anyone in a romantic fashion these days.
I really dont.
I havent met anyone that does it for me like I expect
Fuck it.

I hate waking up and being out of cigarettes.

This whole diabetes thing is really starting to scare me.

Last night, I started getting blurred vision sitting at R. Thomas with Counts.
I mean, I know its one of those things that isnt a huge deal, and many people live with it, but, I dont know why it's really starting to worry me.

I realize.
I have a great woman in my life.
Why the fuck can't I let go of all my other bullshit and just let myself be happy with her.

Is it guilt, or grace.

Living with a ghost.

Sometimes you have to lie to a good friend just to give them hope.
I don't know if it gets better.
I know it becomes easier to deal with. It becomes easier to accept.
But as for that missing spot in your stomach.
That hole in your brain
That loss of motivation
That feeling of what next?
The loss of hope?

I dont know if it gets better.

I have my days.
I've been dealing these cards to myself for close to 2 years since she left.
I've been shuffling these hands, shivering til I shake completely.
Sickening myself with my lack of confidence. Lack of love.
Lack of anything I used to hold dear.

I realized I had a best friend.
We were perfect.

I traded it all in for selfish pride.
I lost it because I couldn't come out and say "Honey, I'm wrong, and this won't happen again. I think I'm losing it, and I'm doing my best to be better." I couldn't do that, because at that time, in my mind, I couldn't be wrong. In my mind, she'd bend as far as I needed. In my mind, she wouldn't break. She did. And for once, I couldn't attempt to pick up the pieces. She didn't need me to.

Thats what I've been dealing with lately.
Thats why I'm so ornry.
I've never gotten closure, I never will.
Watching the heartbreak of my cousin brings it all back.


I sometimes wonder if I'd handled it all differently that things would have worked out.
I wonder if maybe we struck up another friendship, if in any way we could be friends, if there would be another go at things. I'm sure we're both different people than we were. As close as we were, of all the little things we used to talk about late at night, how we named our kids, dreamed up our wedding, talked about our first house, the way we'd parent our kids, the life that her and I alone, fuck everyone else, as long as we had each other, planned. I remember on the cold nights, when we'd go outside to have a cigarette, how we'd run back in as fast as we could to jump in bed, and hold each other as tight as we could to warm up. How she used to lay on my back. All of that, just gone. It still breaks my heart just like it did the day I knew it was over. It breaks my heart to wonder if it ever crosses her mind.

It breaks my heart, because I don't comprehend how people can forget that.

I wish I could speak to her for maybe 20 minutes sometime, just to catch up, if nothing else, to see how an old friend is doing. If anything, to make sure everything is going the way she planned, and as well as she wanted when we were lovers, when I held her down.

All I really want to know sometimes, is if she even remembers any of the good times. If she even for one second every now and then, thinks about me. And wonders what could have been if maybe we took another chance on each other. I know if the opportunity ever came, I wouldn't screw it up, and I really think somedays, since she left, thats the only thing I do know.

I'd do anything in the world for a second chance, just for 20 minutes of how we were when things were good.

Its so pathetic, how I keep holding on, thinking that it might happen.



It doesn't get better, I still dream of it.
I still think of it.
It's a wonder I haven't blown my brains out these past years.

All because I'm not the man I ever thought I was.

I have too many dreams of being a hero.

I think sometimes, all I want it to feel wanted.
More than loved, more than a great friend, more than family.

I really want to feel like I complete someone again sometimes.

I'm too selfish for my own good.

I'm slowly but surely alienating myself from most of the people I know.

Are you asking for a booty call, Wessy?

"No, I meant like actually catch up and hang out, but if it leads to my penis in your vagina, then so be it."

Loneliness sits at a bar that you've set too high.

Sometimes I ask the same questions hoping for a different answer.

I know to you, it might sound strange.
But I wish it would rain.

Caribou Lou

What a night, thats all I can say.

Cariou Lou was the best and worst idea South and I have ever had.


I have way too much on my mind.
And sometimes wonder whats been coming over me as of late.
Some of the thoughts I have.
Some of the things I do.

As much of a grasp as I have on myself, and as much of a grasp as I have on my goals and doing what it takes to get there, I dont have any real control. And day by day, I feel like something is missing more and more, and like something is slipping away.

I don't remember much from last night.

This game of women I have in my life, I need to stop it. Truthfully, I do. I'm in no place in life to be with anyone at all. Im in no mindset to pretend to love, I know why I dont, I know who still is in the forefront of my mind. I know a lot of things, just not how to deal with it too well.

I guess its like, I see so many people making moves, and Im making moves as well, I just cant figure out if they are the right way, or right thing to do.

I guess I'm lonely, but not alone.

Im not really sure what to say to react, but her aim name was online.

She passed away over a year ago.

Niggas don't be mad cause its all about progression.


Loiterer's should be arrested.