Clean up before she comes.

I'm not sure whats been wrong with me lately.
More and more, I can't concentrate on anything, or focus my attention.

I find myself snapping at people more and more lately, and lonelier than ever.
I really think there is something the matter with me, theres a devil and a god raging inside me, and I can't seem to focus on things at all. But I have my days sometimes, where everything is smooth, and I'm on top of my shit. Then other days, I can't get it together at all.
I'm getting sloppy.
I've been like this for a while.


I keep thinking I have cancer, and I've been having nightmares of mutual friends dying, as in, I wake up and have to check Facebook and shit to see if theres any "RIP" statuses. No close friends, just buddies I run into at parties and shit.

I keep getting these sick feelings, like randomly though the day, its like my stomach drops out, and I cant decide if Im going to vomit or faint.

It worries me though.

But the one thing that has really gotten to me lately, is that I havent thought about suicide in a long time. I really havent, I've just been in the shade looking for the sun, so to speak, and lately, all I want is for it to stay dark.


I wish it was 2005 again. May. When Nine Inch Nails were playing 2 nights in a row at the Tabernacle. When I was sure I knew what love was. When I was sure I knew who friends were. When I was sure about what I was about. I hated everything about myself. I was unhealthy, unhealthy, white as a ghost. I was miserable, and I wanted to die. But I had alot of fun, and I made my own rules. I cared unconditionally. I had alot to teach, and even more to learn, and all the time in the world, and money didn't matter. I didnt have the time that had passed me by. I didnt feel the way I do now then.