I suppose sometimes we all end up speaking before we think. Its a problem that Ive always had, that Ive constantly found myself working on for as long as I can remember. But either way, what can you do? You say things and mean one thing, and it totally comes out in a way that God only knows. I dunno. I suppose as much bullshit as I talk, Ive always been a permission type of person, or a just check to see that its ok kind of guy. At least for the most part. I dont understand the concept of family like Ive always thought I had. I dont know what its like to have a little brother thats like a son. Hell, I dont know what its like to have a brother or sister. At the end of the day, I dont even know how to have a best friend. I try my damnedest to be understanding, but I find that I dont know half as much as I thought I did. Maybe I don't comprehend as well as I thought. What happened? When the hell did I start slipping. I used to have this pride about myself that I was the most understanding and easy to be around guy anyone could know. That I knew just what to say to make people feel better, or to ease a situation. Love. Thats when you know its real. When you cant make something right immediately. When you know the moment you're saying something that you shouldnt have, and that maybe you should have thought more into something. When that fear hits. That you may have just ruined something beautiful. I suppose it doesnt help sometimes when everyday in the back of your mind you don't feel like you satisfy your partner. Not in the sex type way, or the fun way, but in the "I feel better when that person is here" way. I have this demon in me. Like a worry-saurus. Where hell, I worry myself to death. I havent eaten right in the last year, I cant remember the last legitimate good night of sleep I've had. Really. But what is erking me the most about what goes on in my head, is that I have no reason for ever feeling like this. I have my dream woman: In every aspect. Shes funny, smart, gorgeous, great in bed, I have fun with her, she can cook, it feels right when shes next to me, fuck it, not right, perfect, and Ive never kissed a woman the way I do her. It blows my mind. We live together. I need her. Period. I beleive in soul-mates. And I have no doubt that she is mine. Ive never really been happy to come home. Ever. I think everyone has had the mornings where they wake up next to their love, and they dont want to leave, but Ive never been late to work because I couldnt leave someones side, until I fell for her. Ive never really thought I could just run away with someone. Never wanted to. Not realistically until now. She makes everything shine, and when shes down, my world crumbles. I cant think, act, do, anything. Ive never felt that, not this way. Ive never put everything for someone ahead of my own wants/dreams/needs. Selfish as it sounds, I need. Not want. Need. Her to be happy and at ease. Period. I cant function when shes not. Literally, I get the shakes, I vomit, I have panic attacks, I have to get away sometimes at work just to have ten minutes to myself to cry, or break shit, or just walk around the parkinglot. Who knows if its healthy? Who cares? Love does that.I'm alright with it. I have a great job. Is it the best money in the world? No. But its lax as hell, I work with a very good friend of mine, who is my boss, but not in the standard "Im your boss'" bullshit. The kind of like, old friends that just work well together, and one is in charge. Hell, if something happened and Brian quit tomorrow, I'd be out the door by the next week. I dunno. I doubt I'll ever find that in a job. We've been killing it the last 2 months on the numbers, busted it wide open, if you will. Money has been rolling in like I havent ever seen. I sold over 100k last month. Grossed a 29.something profit margin. Fuck it. We killed it. And I pray we keep it up. I think in a way, Brian and I both need that "glory" feeling. That sense of accomplishment, that sense of "Fuck it, we both killed it, you dont want to hire someone to help, whatever, I come in on adderall, Brian drinks a pot of coffee, we raise hell, and handle it, we got this. Keep it moving motherfuckers." My mother and father. They seem to be in a good place in their marriage. From what I can tell they dont fight as much. They dont worry. I almost want to say they have hit the "We're too old for this shit, honey, lets do our best to enjoy life." Ever since my Mother realized I've moved out, she seems to be happier to have me around. My Dad and I finally have that "Son stops by, shoots the shit with the old man, has a few cigarettes, a few laughs, and leaves, and old man feels like he hasn't done a horrid job raising his son, whether or not said son may be a borderline alcoholic/manic-depressant. I think every boy wants to impress his father. Period. I dont know if I've quite impressed mine, but I do know that he is proud of me, and I'll take that to my grave. My father doesn't look at me like some kind of fuck up, or life wasted. He's proud to say "Hello, this is my son, Wes (insert whatever smalltalk here). Or, "My son is doing pretty good, he has a solid job at a dealership and he seems to be happy, he fucks with cars alot, likes people, likes to help folks, and is crazy, but he's got this." That alone to me means alot. I know he wants me to one up him in life. But I figure hell, the fact that my Mother hasnt left him yet says alot. The fact that somehow, no matter what bs reason, they've stayed together in marriage for the last 32 years, almost 35 years together in general, that says something. "Mommas and Grandmammas love you, cause thats all they know how to do." Need I say more? Whether or not they love each other like I pray I love Jessica, if we marry and grow old together, atleast somehow they've managed to keep it together. That has to stand for something. Id be a liar if I said I havent had the "fuck this, Im going to flip this Jeep, or wrap this Acura around a telephone pole" thoughts lately. More than every, to be honest. Sometimes, I drive to work in the morning, and I think to myself, "Fuck it, why not? Let me meet my maker" But I am scared of death. Sometimes, I cant think of something I want more, something I need, or deserve. I feel like Biggie or Tupac, I put a 9mm to my head, and go back and forth with myself as to whether I should just pull the trigger. Sometimes, I hope there are others that feel the same way. that have that battle. that depending on the day, think its a real 50/50. I wonder if anyone else has just made a coin toss like I have. I think, or know, or think, that I would make a great husband one day. that I would make a great Father. That my kids would always talk of how much they loved their father, or the role me played, how me spent as much time with them as he could, how he always took off from work for every school function, how he came strait home and either threw a baseball, played guitar, cooked dinner, played guitar, built model cars, I dont care. Fuck, just anything that would make my offspring feel like their father would do anything for them, that he'd not only take a bullet, but he'd deliver one, that he wouldnt just get a stab wound, but he would murder someone for his children. That if he had a daughter, he'd kill any man that ever laid an unwelcome hand on her, that if he had a son, that he's always back him up, whether the son got his ass whooped, or just needed someone to talk to. I pray, that my children always know deep down that their Daddy loves them, that he'd do anything, legal or not, safe or not, right or wrong, to protect their well being. That he'd make sure his offspring do whats in their best interest, that they are well fed, well clothed, and loved more than most can fathom. I dont know what Im saying I guess I just have this fear That all that I love Jessica My Job My Parents That somehow, Im going to royally let them down Break their hearts I dont know what to do if that happened. I dont know what to do with myself. Anymore.