Late Nights and Early Mornings

Some people live. Some people know how

2011-12-21T09:08:00.000-05:00

reserving this for when i can really gather my thoughts about everything

Do you see gray as much as I do.

2011-11-12T00:05:00.003-05:00

I hate when for some reason, I daydream about someone I haven't seen in 2 years or so. The last conversation we had was probably the most standoffish we had ever been, masked with the standard "Well its no big deal" to not show how outright upset I was about it. Masked with that bullshit of "Well, we're both so full of shit right now, but lets see who can unsettle the other the least blatantly."

The one thing I regret the most, is that I never got a copy of that picture of her and I. The one she had out front on her board of pictures in her condo. You know, that one where we actually looked like we gave a shit for each other. That one where we looked like we had it figured out. That one where we actually looked like we [could have] loved each other. That one that started the demise.

I dunno, I should have never let any pride I had stop anything with her and I. Should have came when you called, honey. I didn't. You stopped calling.

I miss her dearly. Such a big part of my life years ago. I guess I'd like her to see that I can do well.

I suppose with the whole big step of buying a home soon, that maybe, just maybe, I'm looking at it as some form of fresh start that I've kind of craved for the last, I don't know, 7 years.

One day I'll make enough money that I can just up and leave, move to the ocean, take just what I need, leave the rest, and start again. And never have to explain anything I've ever done again.

2011-09-09T01:03:00.000-04:00

I am going to implode.

I don't wanna wait

2011-08-09T20:11:00.001-04:00

"Ya know, when you ask Pacey a question, you can't get mad when you don't get a Dawson answer"

2011-01-25T00:53:00.001-05:00

With jaded eyes and features.

You think they really care?

Smokey bars and broken hearts.

2010-09-26T03:31:00.004-04:00

All that I want anymore is for things to get back to normal.
But not the normal it was.
I just want her here again.
I miss the hell out of sleeping beside her every night, the little talks.
I don't want it the way we were. It was shitty. I was shitty, I treated her like she was nothing at times, I never made her feel as special as she made me feel. I should have proposed to her when I picked her up at the airport, when she was wearing that dress just for me, when we kissed like we'd not seen each other in years, when I'd never been so excited to get home with someone. Not for the sex, not for the things like that, but because I'd never felt so lonely before, and when she came back, it was a breath of fresh air, a calm after a storm. The person I needed to feel whole again. I want to be good to her like I've wanted to be and wouldn't let myself. I want to hold her high, let her meet my family, all of my other friends, I want to put a ring on her finger, I want to make plans for our future, not just my own. I want to make the world jealous because of how together and happy we are. I want to watch the world burn, and hold her hand while we witness it.

I know that I'd die for her, and when her time comes, I'd pray to die with her.

And I fucking threw it away over vanity and what others thought of our relationship. It's rare I've let others cause me to form an opinion of what I loved, who I loved, and for some reason, I let it get to me.

I disgust myself due to it. And really, its a very real probability that I won't be with her again.

Not knowing if her and I will be together again is eating me a alive, and I promised myself after the first real heartbreak I had, that I'd never let myself feel this way again, that I'd never make the same mistakes, and most of all, that I'd never let another woman in like that.

But somehow, she found her way inside of me, knowing me almost better than I really know myself, knowing thing about me that I'd never openly admit, and not thinking a less of me for any of my flaws and indiscretions. She wanted nothing but me, however I came, whatever I brought with me. She's never completely given up on me, and I pray that I may have one more chance that she hasn't, so I can turn it around.

It's eating me alive, and I've honestly been talking to God wondering what will happen.
Things seem that they may work, but I never like to get my hopes up about anything anymore at all.

In the words of my brother, and best friend:

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. But in the end, don't expect a goddamned thing."

I can't take another loss due to my own stupidity again, I can't loose another piece of myself like I've lost before. Call it desperation, call it what you will, but I physically, mentally, I can't do it again, and I will not.

The thought of her with anyone but me makes me physically ill. Worse than anything I've ever felt.

2010-08-13T02:31:00.000-04:00

Coming to the realization that I have pushed away every person who has ever really given a shit about me.

2010-07-22T01:03:00.002-04:00

Trying to stay occupied.

atmosphere- feel good hit of the summer 2

2010-06-23T01:01:00.000-04:00

2010-06-21T22:30:00.000-04:00

Ya know.

My crazy cousin is right.

Why the hell should we be trying so damn hard to be the strait and good guys.

It's never been who we are, its never been in our blood.

Why the fuck don't we embrace it.

Fuck it, I am evil somedays, I am a true lowlife, I am a hellraising son of a bitch.

Old Wes is about to start kicking back in.

2010-06-18T03:56:00.001-04:00

This has to have been the most surreal experience of my life.

Pure

Fun

Something I haven't had in a long time.

For the past few months, its been the same old shit daily, nightly.

Nothing.

Goddamnit, this is eating at me.

One look, and I would have called it all off, the last year, out the window, and no regret.

2010-06-17T02:02:00.001-04:00

I think I need a night or two to myself soon

2010-06-06T19:12:00.002-04:00

"I don't know, play darts? Listen to Jim Croce? Whatever the hell you white people do"

Jim Croce : Box #10

2010-05-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

2010-05-30T07:18:00.002-04:00

I've been tossing and turning.

Pacing her floors

Over and over.

Get up, get some water

Lay back down.

I shake, and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest for some strange reason.

It's starting to get to me

that feeling that just maybe, I need someone else aside from myself for an unselfish reason, just because I want her around for good.

It's that sickening feeling in my gut again, a feeling I haven't felt in years. That feeling that knowing if something happened to her, I would probably loose it.

Fuck it. I would loose it.

*this was a section of text I removed, as it may show how legitimately crazy I feel like I've been becoming*

But when I look at it, it feels like she makes me whole again.

This is something I am not used to

That I haven't felt in 2 or 3 years now.

It's driving me up the wall tonight, this morning, whichever you want to call it.

I haven't let someone this far in in a long time.

Hell, I haven't admitted to letting someone in.

I haven't physically felt like I needed anyone like this.

It's a feeling I've been searching for for a while now.

And it's a feeling that I absolutely despise and love at the same time.

Just something to do on a Friday

2010-05-29T06:17:00.002-04:00

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of this. Not bad for one take of guitar, and one take of vocals

Jeff Mangum - Engine, 10.19.08

2010-05-23T02:26:00.000-04:00

2010-04-07T22:53:00.000-04:00

Whats a molotov cocktail to never break the glass?

2010-03-28T18:58:00.000-04:00

Well, alls well that ends well.

On to the next one.

2010-03-23T20:44:00.001-04:00

So, I got put on Zoloft.

I never thought I'd end up needing anti-depressants.

I wont lie, I'm kind of ashamed of it.

2010-03-15T21:56:00.001-04:00

2010-03-15T21:30:00.002-04:00

These highs and lows are beginning to become too much for me.
The alcohol always clouds my judgement.

It's hard to explain sometimes, how I go from on top of the world, to completely apathetic, to completely miserable.

Lately, I'm reliving some good times I recall the most through summer albums.

Catch for us the Foxes
Paper Hanger.

Urban Legend
-Kelly Alderman, first real crush, first girl I was persistent over, the first prize of a woman I ever had, even if it was just for a day or two. It's funny how close we used to be sometimes. And even funnier that we don't even talk anymore.

King
-When I realized I wasn't invincible anymore, but I could deal with it, because I didn't care. What you know as loud as my stereo in my RSX would blast.

Future Sex/Love Sounds
- The first real love I've ever known. Hell, sometimes I think it was the only.

The Black Album
- Driving as fast as some of us could through Johns Creek, Lucifer on repeat, My first song always being the night cap.

With Teeth
- There one was night, I hit triple digits coming north on 141 from 285, at that strait a way near the Ingles. All the love in the World as loud as it would go through the breakdown.

I'm sure there is more.
I'm sure there is.

It's hard for me to comprehend sometimes that things change, and that I don't have any control over them.

Whats harder, if for me to accept the things that I cannot change.

In my mind, I could save the world.

In my mind, I should save the world.

But at the end of the day, I let my fears get the best of me. I've tried more and more over the last 2 years to work on it. God knows I try.

Maybe I just take myself too seriously.

2010-03-15T19:12:00.001-04:00

2010-03-12T00:52:00.001-05:00

I pray, as in I talk to God, that I'm doing the right things.

That I'm not setting myself up.

2010-03-11T20:39:00.002-05:00

Come on in my kitchen

2010-03-11T20:38:00.003-05:00

2010-03-11T19:54:00.002-05:00

It's amazing the parallels that my father and I seem to have.

It's comforting in a way.

2010-03-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

today is one of those days I dont have much to say, or to really mention.

Lately, I can't really figure out what it is that gets me through the days.

2010-03-09T00:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's best not to say what you really want to say.
Half drunk, and I can't sleep.

2010-03-07T19:45:00.001-05:00

Magic.

I always have fun.

And I always think.

I'm happy we met.
It's the first time I don't question one's sincerity.
I trust her.

When the mirror speaks, the reflection lies.

2010-03-03T22:38:00.001-05:00

So many thoughts have been running through my head the past few days.

But, I'm glad I can talk to my father sometimes.
Its nice to come home, and say "Hey pop, get in", and just drive around Gainesville and talk about things.

Something like a phenomena, baby

2010-02-27T15:40:00.002-05:00

Cant even really put it all into words sometimes. But there is something significant to me about watching the sun rise on I-285 after I take her home.

I've stopped trying to make sense of it.
But its real, its raw, and I love every fucking minute.
It's like I told her last night, shes the only person that has ever taken me completely out of my comfort zone, and I haven't felt completely out of place, in fact I don't at all. I have a legitimate blast with her. Everytime.

I'm sure I sound silly, really.

But its a strange motivation I get from her.

She has a pure entrepreneur spirit, something I've never seen in a woman I've met my entire life. Thats such a beautiful quality. It honestly impresses me. Among other things.

I used to feel like I had it in me years ago, I've been itching to put it to use.

I realize with this new Hyundai dealership opening, that the one I work at will end up failing miserably, period. And I realize that I may be out of a job there by the end of the year. So with that being said, I have to get my options open again. Get my self out there. Get my shit rolling.

2010-02-16T21:02:00.002-05:00

I called into work today.
Between the flu I think I've had, no sleep, and my stomach being in knots, I decided I needed just a day to rest and reflect.

I haven't really cried in a long time.
I haven't had a panic attack in a long time.
I haven't had my stomach feel like it dropped out of me like that in a long time.

I've never had a woman put me into my own perspective.
Her and I had a wonderful evening.
Shes perfect in a fucked up way, thats all I can say.
I don't know how I feel about it all. I dont know what to make of things.

I've never met someone to put me into perspective like that.
and completely made me rethink who the fuck I am on that level.

I've never been scared to death and completely drawn to someone at the same time.
I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I feel like I was meant to meet her.
I was meant to be drawn to her.
Like there was meant to have something there.

2010-02-16T16:17:00.002-05:00

This is the way the world ends.

By far the strangest evening I've ever had.

2-14-10: Turks in rare form.

2010-02-14T14:19:00.003-05:00

I don't know how to relive last night, but the Turk boys were in rare form.

I love the Tree, I think its the only bar that we'll never get kicked out of. We drank, and stayed merry.
Lexi is still my favorite bartender in the world, and honestly, shes a really great person, in my eyes.

I dunno, its strange, I think I have a kind of crush on her. But its not the typical kind, but she really intrigues me. Good taste in music, good taste in cars, and a total badass. I feel like a bit of an idiot though, I should have realized that when she asked me to take her home, it would have been a great time to get to know her more. I wanted to leave with her, I didn't expect anything but good conversation mostly. What I didnt realize until after we ended up at a 43 year old cougar's apartment that I had to strike up a one night relationship with, was that she really just wanted me to chill with her.

Just me, to come kick it. I don't know how in the world I didn't pick up on that, or really, I don't know how the fuck I didnt go for it. I think truthfully, I wasnt too drunk to drive, but I didn't want anything to happen to her in the event hell broke loose. I just hope we do end up hanging out at some point this week. Shes cooler than most. I didnt want to admit it, but the fact that her of all women wanted to kick it with just me like that, really meant alot, I dunno why either. I mean it really touched me kinda. Stunned. And I felt like such a jackass, because I was too busy doing my normal game spitting boyish charm prove I can get whatever I want persona, when really, I would have rather ended up just watching tv with her, hell, I get excited when she texts me through the day just to bullshit with me. Something about charming blue eyed girls.

I know I romanticize things way too much, ha.

Anyways, enough of that.

South and I nearly had a barfight with some jealous 40+-past his prime-want to be somebody-fuck, when he asked about my haircut, I knew what he was going for, but I just answered with a simple "Oh, the same lady has done it for the last 15 years, what about yours? I like the touch of grey combback" and when he started on South, cousin was ready to roar. "You look like your gonna go bald" -"Atleast I have hair on my nuts, fucker" "Well your gonna end up getting fat" "Hey, fuck you you fucking faggot (as the guy walks away) COME BACK OVER HER YOU FUCKING PUNK, CMON FAGGOT" As Robyn egged him on in a way, he was mad that we had the charm, and he didnt. Punk, ha.

I also tried to fight Lexi's boyfriend, or atleast kept telling her how I planned to whoop his fucking ass if he kept glaring at us.

I dunno, as high as my cousin was, and as out of of drunk mixed with flu symptoms I have, I am surprised we made it home. I really am. I mean, we ended up in Smyrna at like 6am lost after leaving the shire. It was a hell of a night. One to go down in the books.

But I will say, the strangest thing of the evening, was how I prayed before I went to sleep. I fell asleep at Lexi's on her couch for a bit, and when I woke up, I was like in a cold sweat almost, head ringing, just ringing. I couldn't see strait at all. I didnt know what happened. The ride home was the same, and when we finally made it back, and I grabbed a sheet out of the closet and laid on the couch, I was burning up, as in Im sure I was running a high fever, I'd never felt that way before. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was anxiety, maybe I just had more on my mind than I realized.

But I prayed. I prayed to God, Babbled, on and on, how I know he's there, and how I was sorry we haven't been on the best of terms, but I knew he was watching, and to please just let me wake up today, let me not die in my sleep, or go into a coma or something. Just to get me through the early morning nap I had. That I was sorry that I'm a drunk, a liar, and borderline crazy. That I was sorry for the things I've done. That I was honestly scared I was going to die on that couch, when things really seem o be looking up again. that I didnt want to go.

And oddly enough, I woke up at about 10:20 this morning, feeling like a million bucks.

If I've ever spoke to God, and thought he spoke back, today was the day.

2010-02-13T16:16:00.001-05:00

Summer is only a few months away.

2010-02-11T21:20:00.001-05:00

Write write write. Play play play.

As Paul told me "Play til your hands bleed."

2010-02-01T22:40:00.001-05:00

How the hell did I get here?
To drinking alone on a monday.

2010-02-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

Something's gotta give.

2010-01-31T21:18:00.001-05:00

Don't ask me why I smoke, I don't know.
But I drink to get drunk.

2010-01-23T17:45:00.002-05:00

Clean up before she comes.

2010-01-14T21:16:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure whats been wrong with me lately.
More and more, I can't concentrate on anything, or focus my attention.

I find myself snapping at people more and more lately, and lonelier than ever.
I really think there is something the matter with me, theres a devil and a god raging inside me, and I can't seem to focus on things at all. But I have my days sometimes, where everything is smooth, and I'm on top of my shit. Then other days, I can't get it together at all.
I'm getting sloppy.
I've been like this for a while.

I keep thinking I have cancer, and I've been having nightmares of mutual friends dying, as in, I wake up and have to check Facebook and shit to see if theres any "RIP" statuses. No close friends, just buddies I run into at parties and shit.

I keep getting these sick feelings, like randomly though the day, its like my stomach drops out, and I cant decide if Im going to vomit or faint.

It worries me though.

But the one thing that has really gotten to me lately, is that I havent thought about suicide in a long time. I really havent, I've just been in the shade looking for the sun, so to speak, and lately, all I want is for it to stay dark.

I wish it was 2005 again. May. When Nine Inch Nails were playing 2 nights in a row at the Tabernacle. When I was sure I knew what love was. When I was sure I knew who friends were. When I was sure about what I was about. I hated everything about myself. I was unhealthy, unhealthy, white as a ghost. I was miserable, and I wanted to die. But I had alot of fun, and I made my own rules. I cared unconditionally. I had alot to teach, and even more to learn, and all the time in the world, and money didn't matter. I didnt have the time that had passed me by. I didnt feel the way I do now then.

2010-01-05T21:05:00.001-05:00

Time keeps blurring and blurring.

2010-01-04T18:44:00.001-05:00

It's funny lately, my phone keeps getting more numbers of people I can call when I'm bored or want to go out, but there are less and less people I care to call.

2009-12-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

I think her and I seriously might move in together.
Its all Ive thought about for the past few days.

2009-12-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally bought a handgun.

2009-12-18T19:54:00.001-05:00

I find it funny that lately, all my younger buddies are alot more fun than my older ones.

2009-12-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

So wes, you're either a real smooth talker, or a genuinely nice guy.

"It's a little bit of both to be honest"

2009-12-11T12:52:00.001-05:00

All things aside, Jamie gave the best funderal service I've ever witnessed.

2009-12-11T01:00:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I really hate that you can't buy alcohol after midnight.

2009-12-07T22:11:00.003-05:00

It's hard to watch when loved ones are on their way out, and you know its inevitable.
But what I think sometimes is worse, is when you watch those closest not know how to deal with it.

Although, he seems to be understanding of it, and to have a sense of peace knowing the last real day they spent together was a great day. that alone is something to be proud of, and to sleep easy over.

The crown and sprite always gets me.
A little loose in all honesty.

Hell, it gets me through.
I understand how people feel as though they need it.
The last few days, I couldn't wait to get off work, or get home just so I could have one drink to take the edge off.

2009-12-07T00:34:00.002-05:00

No matter how much I brush my teeth, I can't get this taste out of my mouth.

This routine I have going on, I have to stop.
Burning at both ends.
I've said my farewell's to all my former lovers, and stopped it all before it began.

Whats funny, is that it never happened, and she bought it. It makes you realize who you can have confidence in. A final test of sorts.

I've went out for drinks every night since my birthday, a cool mixed drink followed by a different beer each night just to take the edge off.

I haven't slept well in the last few days, I can't tell if its guilt or just having too much going on to find the time. I have a different demon, and lately, the regrets for what I've done over the last few years have gone away, and now its the lack of action that gets to me.

I'm happy though, this new group of friends and fiends that I've somehow managed to hit it off with, the change of pace, and the legit good time vibe in the air is what I need these holidays.

I'm buying a new jacket when I get paid tomorrow, maybe some new shoes. and I'm leaving town around Christmas.
I need a small trip alone somewhere.

I think Jen and I may have something this go-round. Brutal honesty with each other.
Not because we feel the need to come clean, but more so to learn to let go maybe. Life is about second chances, I feel its mutual.
It feels good. It's raw. It's passionate, and its light hearted. It feels real.
I can't tell if it will be short-lived again, but I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can for as long as I can.

I saw Courtney Gray for the first time in a few months saturday night, and realized that she really means nothing to me anymore. I'm not bitter, or angry, or plagued with some feeling of "what if" anymore. I'm happy for her, and wish her the best, and I feel that's mutual, as well as very sincere. It it what it is, and was what it was. I thought about it before I saw her, and the second I looked at her, nothing at all. She isn't beautiful to me anymore. I never thought that could happen. I never thought it would. It was the first time that we'd ever hugged like there wasn't something there.

It's because there isn't anymore.

Its the first breeze of closure with a female that I feel was mutual, and understanding. Closing that book.

The world is yours.
And fear is the only thing that's ever held me back.
It's time for my ambition to begin to exceed my talents again.

Lovers
to
Best Friends
to
Friends
to
Old Friends
to
Just someone you used to know, just some one that you used to know.

2009-12-03T21:38:00.001-05:00

I just realized I haven't had a day I haven't atleast had 2 drinks since my birthday.

2009-11-27T22:22:00.001-05:00

Holiday love.

2009-11-23T21:40:00.002-05:00

2009-11-23T21:01:00.003-05:00

I need a getaway.

I think, I may just say to hell with it, and work all next week, and just take the monday after the birthday weekend off, I might not even party that weekend, I may just get someone to go with me, and go to the ocean, or really, anywhere but here. I dunno, I might take the monday around the 13th.

Ya know, I realized, I don't know how the hell I can get everything to go in the direction I'm hoping for for the new year.

Or how I can literally afford to go back to school.

Panic Attack, which is soon to be calmed by the smoothness of some Jack Daniels.

I'm just really starting to wonder if I will ever really get out of this slump, or atleast find the balance I want.

I had a great night last night.

I always wondered what could have came of her and I. I never spoke of it outloud though. Never so much as mentioned her to many people, or how I really was drawn to her the way I am. Maybe that was why I'd always text her when I was in the area, just to see if I might get a glimpse. I really fell heel over head for her when we met. That smell of body spray and cigarettes. And random run-in with good conversation, me restringing her guitar, and catching up led to a night of listening to music, making out, and hints of something that might come about this time around. I've always found her to be more beautiful than most, still do. Biggest brown eyes I've ever been drawn in. I forgot how big they were. But I went in way too fast, and fell way too hard that first go.

Maybe, something might work out this time? Whether it be something serious, or something just light and fun, I don't care.

I'm just babbling at this point, probably my usual way of finding the romance in anything in life, from a sentimental moment with a nice lady, to a nice day, to the perfect song to capture how I'm feeling coming on randomly.

To be honest, I'm not getting my hopes up again, I'm going to take it for what it is, and enjoy it while its there. Sure, shes that kind of girl that I deep down would want to show off to all my friends, that I'd want to take places, or just spend all my free time with, shes that kind of girl. A hint of insanity laced with a persona that I've never really witnessed.

But I do know, I don't want to run her off again. Maybe its nostalgia. Ego?

I do know, I can't connect with anyone anymore, but I do with her, not sure what level it is, but I smiled more last night than I probably have in the last 6 months. To me atleast, it seemed completely natural and right, all over again, like nothing was forced. And thats a rare feeling that I've seldom experienced.

All I know, is loneliness sits at a bar you've set too high.

And I dont want to be sitting at that bar this winter.

2009-11-23T18:00:00.002-05:00

This time around, I wont move too fast.

But damn, if there's ever been a place I didn't want to leave, it was there last night.

Such deja Vu

2009-11-23T17:53:00.001-05:00

7 days.

2009-11-19T19:56:00.001-05:00

I'm glad I can talk to my father sometimes.

2009-11-10T19:47:00.001-05:00

http://ia331318.us.archive.org/2/items/dbt2006-10-28.akg463.flac16/dbt2006-10-28d2t09_64kb.mp3

2009-11-03T21:03:00.001-05:00

I have less than one month left.
Things will either turn around completely.
Or I will drink myself to death.

2009-11-03T18:41:00.001-05:00

2009-11-02T19:52:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect.

2009-10-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

So I went to kroger tonight, and spent like $50 on healthy groceries, and a pack of Turkish Golds.

It made me chuckle inside

2009-10-25T22:05:00.001-04:00

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

2009-10-25T21:56:00.003-04:00

I realized tonight something strange.

I really dont care about anyone in a romantic fashion these days.
I really dont.
I havent met anyone that does it for me like I expect
Fuck it.

2009-10-25T09:58:00.000-04:00

I hate waking up and being out of cigarettes.

2009-10-18T17:26:00.002-04:00

This whole diabetes thing is really starting to scare me.

Last night, I started getting blurred vision sitting at R. Thomas with Counts.
I mean, I know its one of those things that isnt a huge deal, and many people live with it, but, I dont know why it's really starting to worry me.

2009-10-16T00:17:00.001-04:00

I realize.
I have a great woman in my life.
Why the fuck can't I let go of all my other bullshit and just let myself be happy with her.

2009-10-12T20:01:00.001-04:00

Is it guilt, or grace.

Living with a ghost.

2009-10-12T11:18:00.006-04:00

Sometimes you have to lie to a good friend just to give them hope.
I don't know if it gets better.
I know it becomes easier to deal with. It becomes easier to accept.
But as for that missing spot in your stomach.
That hole in your brain
That loss of motivation
That feeling of what next?
The loss of hope?

I dont know if it gets better.

I have my days.
I've been dealing these cards to myself for close to 2 years since she left.
I've been shuffling these hands, shivering til I shake completely.
Sickening myself with my lack of confidence. Lack of love.
Lack of anything I used to hold dear.

I realized I had a best friend.
We were perfect.

I traded it all in for selfish pride.
I lost it because I couldn't come out and say "Honey, I'm wrong, and this won't happen again. I think I'm losing it, and I'm doing my best to be better." I couldn't do that, because at that time, in my mind, I couldn't be wrong. In my mind, she'd bend as far as I needed. In my mind, she wouldn't break. She did. And for once, I couldn't attempt to pick up the pieces. She didn't need me to.

Thats what I've been dealing with lately.
Thats why I'm so ornry.
I've never gotten closure, I never will.
Watching the heartbreak of my cousin brings it all back.

I sometimes wonder if I'd handled it all differently that things would have worked out.
I wonder if maybe we struck up another friendship, if in any way we could be friends, if there would be another go at things. I'm sure we're both different people than we were. As close as we were, of all the little things we used to talk about late at night, how we named our kids, dreamed up our wedding, talked about our first house, the way we'd parent our kids, the life that her and I alone, fuck everyone else, as long as we had each other, planned. I remember on the cold nights, when we'd go outside to have a cigarette, how we'd run back in as fast as we could to jump in bed, and hold each other as tight as we could to warm up. How she used to lay on my back. All of that, just gone. It still breaks my heart just like it did the day I knew it was over. It breaks my heart to wonder if it ever crosses her mind.

It breaks my heart, because I don't comprehend how people can forget that.

I wish I could speak to her for maybe 20 minutes sometime, just to catch up, if nothing else, to see how an old friend is doing. If anything, to make sure everything is going the way she planned, and as well as she wanted when we were lovers, when I held her down.

All I really want to know sometimes, is if she even remembers any of the good times. If she even for one second every now and then, thinks about me. And wonders what could have been if maybe we took another chance on each other. I know if the opportunity ever came, I wouldn't screw it up, and I really think somedays, since she left, thats the only thing I do know.

I'd do anything in the world for a second chance, just for 20 minutes of how we were when things were good.

Its so pathetic, how I keep holding on, thinking that it might happen.

It doesn't get better, I still dream of it.
I still think of it.
It's a wonder I haven't blown my brains out these past years.

All because I'm not the man I ever thought I was.

2009-10-10T19:07:00.001-04:00

I have too many dreams of being a hero.

I think sometimes, all I want it to feel wanted.
More than loved, more than a great friend, more than family.

I really want to feel like I complete someone again sometimes.

I'm too selfish for my own good.

2009-10-10T17:47:00.000-04:00

I'm slowly but surely alienating myself from most of the people I know.

2009-10-08T19:23:00.002-04:00

Are you asking for a booty call, Wessy?

"No, I meant like actually catch up and hang out, but if it leads to my penis in your vagina, then so be it."

2009-10-07T21:07:00.001-04:00

Loneliness sits at a bar that you've set too high.

2009-10-06T23:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I ask the same questions hoping for a different answer.

2009-10-05T15:01:00.000-04:00

I know to you, it might sound strange.
But I wish it would rain.

Caribou Lou

2009-10-04T20:18:00.002-04:00

What a night, thats all I can say.

Cariou Lou was the best and worst idea South and I have ever had.

I have way too much on my mind.
And sometimes wonder whats been coming over me as of late.
Some of the thoughts I have.
Some of the things I do.

As much of a grasp as I have on myself, and as much of a grasp as I have on my goals and doing what it takes to get there, I dont have any real control. And day by day, I feel like something is missing more and more, and like something is slipping away.

I don't remember much from last night.

This game of women I have in my life, I need to stop it. Truthfully, I do. I'm in no place in life to be with anyone at all. Im in no mindset to pretend to love, I know why I dont, I know who still is in the forefront of my mind. I know a lot of things, just not how to deal with it too well.

I guess its like, I see so many people making moves, and Im making moves as well, I just cant figure out if they are the right way, or right thing to do.

I guess I'm lonely, but not alone.

2009-10-02T00:26:00.001-04:00

Im not really sure what to say to react, but her aim name was online.

She passed away over a year ago.

2009-10-01T00:44:00.000-04:00

Niggas don't be mad cause its all about progression.

Loiterer's should be arrested.

2009-09-29T22:13:00.001-04:00

Hide and Seek.

2009-09-27T12:32:00.000-04:00

you walk down alameda shuffling your deck
of trick cards over everyone
like some precious only son
face down, bow to the champion
you walk down alameda looking at the
cracks in the sidewalk
thinking about your friends
how you maintain all them in a constant state of suspense
for your own protection over their affection
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
walk down alameda brushing off the nightmare you wish
could plague me when i'm awake
and now you see your first mistake was thinking that you could relate
for one or two minutes she liked you
but the fix is in
you're all pretension
i never pay attention
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
you broke your own because you can't finish what you start
nobody broke your heart
if you're alone it must be you that wants to be apart

2009-09-27T11:40:00.001-04:00

I keep daydreaming of a time when I can run away for good.

I figure in a year or so, if I still in the back of my mind feel like I do, maybe I can just have enough money to pick up, find a new job in a new town, and see if I can make some magic happen.

2009-09-25T21:09:00.001-04:00

georgia moonshine.

2009-09-24T23:07:00.001-04:00

I'm really beginning to have second thoughts about moving out in the next month.

2009-09-21T20:15:00.001-04:00

Its about that time of year.

2009-09-21T01:30:00.001-04:00

This made me chuckle.

"So how are you?"
-"I'm good. I dropped the zero, talking to who I hope to be a hero"
"Are you drunk hun?"
-"Not at all, doll."

2009-09-21T01:18:00.002-04:00

Somethings never change, ha.

Sunday beer, and darkness singalongs.

I start some things in my life that I'll never finish

And I start others with no intention of doing so.

2009-09-20T13:33:00.001-04:00

I really want to care sometimes.
And then I think I don't have it in me.

2009-09-19T22:22:00.000-04:00

2009-09-15T22:02:00.002-04:00

Bumpin Blueprint III.

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm loosing my grip again, like I'm walking on eggshells, but then I remember why I started getting my shit together.

Then I think about what it is I want and need.
I take the two.

I want my own place, because I need my own feeling of independence and earning my own keep.
I want love in my life, pure true love, because I realize I need something stable and healthy, that I need something more than a best friend, and that I need to feel more important to someone that is most important to me. Really, I don't like being alone, I drive myself crazy by myself sometimes. I suppose the simplest thing, is that I have a large bed, and its nice to look over and see someone who feels like a better half there.
Fuck the sex, fuck the one night stands, fuck the fake.

Then I remember that things are starting to fall into place, and when it comes down to it, I'm the maker of my own destiny, I'm the maker of my own life, and I'm really the only one in control of what I do.

When it comes down to it, I'm the only person looking in the mirror in the morning.
The way I see it.
Think before I act, and do what feels right, atleast that way when I'm wrong, I can't beat myself up for haste.

One step at a time, Wes.

2009-09-14T13:02:00.002-04:00

I woke up a little while ago, and said to myself "Wait a minute, I didn't go to bed by myself." She left her earrings and bobby pins, which I think was just an excuse for us to have to see each other later in the day.

But my bed smells like her, and shes all thats on my mind. I love it. Love it. Love it. She calls me just to talk sometimes, and I answer just to listen to her.
Shes beautiful, and kisses like she means it everytime.

It amazes me the turnaround in things over the past month or two. But I really pray it stays this way.

It seems like things are coming full circle.

The 211 is riding again.
An amazing lady in my life.
I have a job I enjoy everyday.

A rare breed

2009-09-13T01:14:00.004-04:00

"Ya know Wes, I need you. I've tried to convince myself that I didn't for the last 8 months, but I do."

"We're a strange breed cousin, and truthfully we don't work as well without the other in a pack"

I suppose that when it comes down to it, my cousin and I are a strange breed, and through the crazy times and whatever personal bullshit we've been through, neither one of us can be the only zebra in a pack of horses.

Too weird to live, too rare to die.

2009-09-12T18:24:00.002-04:00

Good lord shes beautiful.
And so damn sexy without even meaning to.

I seriously like everything about her.
Every little thing.

I've never enjoyed just laying in bed and watching Oceans 11 like I do with her.

Its funny, she reminds me of my dad in a way, atleast, that she bought 6 of the big 6-pack bottles of Mtn Dew last night, and all I could say was "And you get onto me for smoking?!"

I dunno what it is, I like the openness, and the honesty.

I hope to God I dont fuck this one up, and that something really comes of it.
I have nothing but the most noble of intentions.

Its the happiest Ive been with a woman since Kellye.
And honestly, this surpasses that.

I dunno, maybe open mind equals open heart, and maybe that as long as you stay positive, good things come around.

I've been on a good run of luck lately.
Good job
Good woman
Good friends.

2009-09-09T21:55:00.003-04:00

Make choices.
Don't look back.

Think before you act, and you can never have a true regret, just a learning experience.

We're no fools, we just have a bigger soft spot for those we love compared to most, thats our biggest weakness aside from our tempers.

2009-09-07T23:55:00.003-04:00

This new thing.
I like it.
Her.
Alot.

I hang on every word she says.
And I hate to say it, but usually, I can give a shit less what a girl I'm kicking it with says for the most part.
And do everything in my power to keep her entertained and smiling.

Im not sure what it is, but she interests me like no other girl I've met in a long time has.
I find myself just wanting to be around her, for no reason other than just that she puts me at ease maybe? Maybe I find her to be genuine, and I hardly know her. Maybe its that Im completely intrigued and vulnerable with her, and that I try to be the best I can.

this is too strange.

But I find her to be beautiful, and interesting.

Those two things are hard to come by in one woman.

2009-08-31T17:48:00.002-04:00

I enjoy spending time with my Dad.

We went to the guitar shop today, got some dinner, and just drove around for a bit, it's nice when its just Dad and I having some time to catch up and chat about random shit.

I asked him today what he thought about me moving out and whatnot, and I asked him "Dad, did you ever have one girl you knew before mom that you really think you would have been happier ending up with?"

"Yeah"

"What happened?"

"I just wasn't ready to settle down then.."

"Well, what fucked it up, you, or her?"

"Me"

"Why?"

"I couldnt have just one."

I'm not sure why, but that was probably one of the most comforting conversations he and I have ever had.

2009-08-30T06:23:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling good.

What did my day consist of?

Work, and sharing perfect weather with pretty ladies.

2009-08-25T19:19:00.000-04:00

Angel left wing, right wing broken wing.

2009-08-24T00:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I wish I didnt have the quiet times at night, where I think too much.

Things would be alot smoother.
Simpler.
Happier.

But, I'm on a good streak, so, I gotta keep on keepin' on, and keep my head up.